And now for the one day all year that this is actually appropriate....

::sings:: FIIIIIIVE GOOOOOOOL-DEN RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

Dude.... do you know what they air on local TV stations on Christmas around here?? A burning log. Yes, a fucking burning log which occasionally changes shapes and burns to the tune of old Christmas songs.... God, what classic Americana.... and how typical of American culture.... Gather up the family! Time to watch a log burn on the TV! Perhaps if you get real close to your TV set and rub your hands together, you might just feel the warmth....

Okay, so maybe this is only funny to me because I am a HUGE X-Files fan with a sad, sad, SAD addiction to Passions, but this was spotted in an XF Recap poll at Mighty Big TV:
Best idea for an X-Files spin-off?
A Passions- inspired soap opera, in which Mulder gets a living doll sidekick, Scully accidentally marries CSM, Skinner and Doggett relive their past-life romances (including a stint on the Titanic every week, and Moronica talks to trees.

"It's not rape if they blink twice for yes." --Jim Norton of O&A fame

"I hope he gets run over by a one horse open sleigh with razor blade attachments."

GOD HELP THE WORLD

Gary: oh, btw, (other than a car) like, what do ya want for xmas?
Jen: LOL... dont laugh...
Jen: a GI Joe doll
Jen: seriously
Gary: LOL
Gary: great...you're gonna make me go to toys r us...and buy a gi joe doll :P
Gary: heh..alright...if ya don't change your mind, then you're gonna get a GI Joe doll
Jen: LOL awesome
Jen: I've wanted one for so long... it's like a repressed childhood desire or something
Jen: no one ever got me one because little girls werent supposed to have GI Joe dolls.... yet my parents let me have Ghostbusters action figures
Gary: LOL... You want like.... a Jen doll or somethin to act out fantasies with or anything? :P
Jen: LOL!!!

Vic: er... jen
Vic: ...
Jen: hm?
Vic: the survey you sent two weeks ago?
Jen: yah?
Vic: there's no number 13
Jen: LOL. there's always a number missing on those things
Jen: or maybe Stan's just saying hi.
Vic: LOL
Vic: but he's YOUR fuck buddy
Jen: ROTFL!!
Jen: fuck buddy?
Jen: oh, good. I'm fucking the Prince of Darkness and no one bothered to tell me.
Vic: LOL

Why is Wil Wheaton so cute? sigh.

From December 7th, 2000
Vic: once upon a time there was a cow named betsy... tag you're it
Jen: but she was red
Vic: so red that she would even glow.
Jen: LOL. farmer boob put her on his lawn as a christmas decoration
Jen: BOB
Jen: LMAO
Vic: betsy was so very sad, being subjugated, and my a guy named boob, no less. but fortunately, just the salvation came...
Vic: then, rather :P
Jen: that sentence is missing several words, isnt it
Vic: lol... let's try again...
Vic: betsy was so very sad, being subjugated, and by a guy named boob, no less. but fortunately, just then salvation came... (better?)
Jen: (yes) just then, Jesus Christ arrived, and sang betsy a show tune.
Vic: (ROTFLMFAO!!!) he sang a song from jesus christ superstar, being a big egomanic and all. anyway, he led betsy off farmer boob's farm...
Jen: and they went to the local tavern. but the town butcher was there...
Vic: fortunately, betsy had the strength of ten men and one hoof up the ass sent the butcher on his way. the bright red cow and her messianic buddy then decided to take a trip to cancun where they found...
Jen: jen's friends getting drunk and doing table dances.
Vic: at least that's what jen and her friends thought. betsy and jesus realized that what was really happening was that an evil sock named thor had tricked everyone into doing....
Jen: the macarena. but just then, everyone realized they had drank the water and suddenly had to go to the bathroom
Vic: when everyone flushed the toilet at the same time, a gigantic imbalance occurred
Jen: and the world exploded.
Vic: THE END

Granted, I'm only halfway through the episode, but WHY is X-Files so blatantly ripping off Silence of the Lambs??? Gee, a doctor in a cell helping an FBI agent solve ritualistic serial murders.... WHERE have I seen this before? hmmm :P

Jen: OMG...
Jen: we don't have a final per se in Group Therapy (what I call my Interpersonal Communication class) but I found out what our final project is...
Vic: uh oh
Jen: we have to get up in the middle of the room and discuss what areas of our life are changing because of the class.... then we have to non-verbally act out what we are feeling at the moment. WTF.
Jen: now I have to stand in the middle of a room and MIME my feelings??
Vic: ROTFLMFAO!
Vic: blog that!
Jen: LOL ok
Jen: I cant believe this class is required for Crminal Justice majors
Vic: lol

From a conversation with my friend Jeff:

Jeff: oh god
Jeff: what did i do
Vic: hm?
Jeff: i downloaded the gap commercial song
Vic: ROTFL!!!!!

"When Lucy Lawless was twelve, she went to the theater to see the original Evil Dead, and when she walked out, she thought that the man who produced this movie had to be the sickest man to walk the earth. In 1998 she married him."

When I was a boy of 10
I had a very best friend
Ed was kind, with good intent
But just a little dif-fer-ent
Ooooohhh
Special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now he's not so bright instead
He's a little bit special
Just a little bit special

We played tag and he'd get hurt
I'd play soldiers and he'd eat dirt
I liked math and spelling bees
Ed liked talking to the trees
Ooooohhh
Special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now she keeps him in the shed
Cause he's a little bit special
A little bit special

I ran track, hung out in malls
Ed ran headfirst into walls
I had girls, and lots of clothes
Ed had names for all his toes
Ooooohhh
Special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now he thinks he's a piece of bread
He's a little bit special
Just a little bit special

One day talking to special Ed
He grabbed a brick and he swung at my head
And as he laughed at me that's when I knew
Special Ed just made me special, too

And now I laugh as I count bugs
I give strangers great big hugs
Next to me Ed is fine
He's a, a fucking Einstein
Ohhhhhh
Special Ed and me
Now we're not right in the head, you see
Now we're not so bright instead
We're a little bit special
Just a little bit special
That bastard Ed made me special.

See? it's just proof we were meant to be friends... we're all the same STD.

whee.... I'm syphilis too.

Take the Affliction Test Today!

Vic: mmm. Wendy's.
Jen: :P shut up
Jen: do you know how long its been since I had Wendys??
Vic: lol
Jen: no, they had to build them all at least 10 miles away from my house
Jen: bah
Jen: ::cries::
Vic: fine. we'll have to go to a Wendy's next time we hang out
Jen: :)
Vic: we'll pretend it's exotic, cause these days, for you, it is
Vic: lol
Jen: LOL
Vic: eww... too much ketchup in my burger
Jen: ::licks the burger:: there you go
Vic: lol. eww
Vic: yours now
Jen: LOL... growing up my brothers used to steal food off my plate so I made it a habit to lick everything I planned on eating
Jen: i hate my family
Vic: lol
Vic: wow
Vic: mmm... a frosty
Jen: alright, are you doing this on purpose?
Jen: ::grins::
Vic: lol :-)
Vic: yes.
Jen: lol... fine...
Jen: oh, gee, look at this 6'1'' fireman that just appeared in my room... and I dont believe my house is burning down... wow, you certainly are ripped, Mr. Fireman... what's that? You're feeling warm? Sure! You can take your clothes off... I don't mind
JeffMulder: LOL

A hinged banana. Ooooh. How kinky.

The vending machine at school sells two packs of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for 70 cents... That's, like, 10 seconds of pleasure. $4.20 a minute... Great, the vending machine may as well be a 1-900 phone sex line at that price: 1-900-PEA-NUTS

Gary: plane tickets aren't too bad if you order then like, months in advance
Gary: it's when you order then the night before you go that you get price raped
Jen: LOL what an image
Gary: hehe
Jen: I picture a big dollar sign holding a person down over the back of a chair.... the police arrive... lead $ away in handcuffs as the person (wrapped in a blanket) drinks coffee and shudders and gives the cops a statement
Jen: LOL my brain is soooo warped
Gary: LOL!!

*listens to n'sync sing the lyrics "we've got the gift of melody"* Who's "we"? Certainly not them.

I am so upset at this.

Figuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuured.

DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNK

::gets out cake and ice cream and hides::

Watch as Gary Gallivo turns into zaftig Asian-American commedianne Margaret Cho. Ohhhh... ahhhh.

Alright.... Gary, how is Jen the father of your son? And how are you the mom? I'm assuming that makes you the mom, anyway.

ROTFL!!!!! Wow. ::applauds::

ooooOOOOOOOoooooooo I'm talking to you from the great beyond ooooooOOOOOOooooooo .... Bob Hope says hi..... OooooOOOOOooooooooo... wait, he isn't dead.... oh well.... OOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo

Ok. Ask Gary. :P

Both. =)

do you want the Hustler version or the Roman Catholic Church approved version?

How would that work, Jen?

I'm not the father. I don't care what your lawyers say, Gary!!

Little boy Danny? Since when do you have a son, Gary? Last time I checked you were gay and you haven't mentioned adopting... Oh, sorry... *had* a son. So how exactly was he trampled by this pony? Was he just walking down the street or something?

What is your problem with cervines, Gary? You malign them so.

I wonder if I should be worried that they're finding anthrax only a half hour away from my home....

"Watch... I'll take my hat off... look at my thin skull and aged skin... turn the lights out, go ahead... you can watch my synapses firing... it's like a disco in my head!"

Vic: this room is TOO HOT
Jen: mine is too cold
Jen: maybe gary's is just right. :P
Vic: ROTFL!!!!!
Vic: thank you, mama bear

Poor Ozzy.

HELLYCOPTER

"sfdodsfoperierprkmretporem itss a bird itss a plane itss a hellycopter.... with ozzy osbourne insideofit... mmbop now its mine.... Jay Mohr is a Jew."

Me when I'm woken up before 12 noon. :P

Jen: WTF is flying over my house and causing the windows to shake??
Vic: my big cock, jen
Vic: LOL.
Jen: ROTFL!!
Jen: BLOG THAT
Jen: LMAO

from an AIM conversation with my friend Mark...
Jen: I want to be a knight at Medieval Times
Jen: I also want a pet seahorse
Mark: LOL
Jen: God, I'm weird
Mark: that's right

"The hills are alive with the sound OF music."

this is what the children in my town look like. :P

mmmm... I just had my 1000 milligram dose of ibuproferon... on an empty stomach.... such a picture of health am I. Did that make sense?

I'm posting this from AIM.... just put "blogbot" on your buddy list and type "/help" to find out the instructions... this rocks!!

::threatens you with a voodoo doll::

::watches you trip and shrieks and giggles like the mad queen he is, in response::

::backs away slowly, then runs away at full speed::

What do you *think* is up there? I save cold, HARD cash for real men. (LOL. I can't believe I just said that OR that i'm blogging it up.)

um, can you just write me a check instead?

I've hidden it up Kermit's ass. Go and get it, Jen. If you dare.

Where's my prize money?? :P

LOL. Congrats, you've actually managed to gross me out, Jen. Ewwwwww. I give up, you win.

Vic and Mr. Williams
Sittin' in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage....
You're happy at first but then things go downhill
Then comes a lot of pain and suffering followed by a bitter divorce and then you just die all alone at a very old age.
I'm sorry, am I sounding bitter?

And yet you ask. Francine's art teacher told me. He knows ALL about puppet sex.

I'm afraid to ask exactly how YOU know that.

Little strings and lots of Ms. Piggy love, Jen.

you want to talk sick and wrong... I have images of Kermit the Frog on stage discussing how his penis works.

We should go then! Someone pick a date. I'd pick one, but it always gets shot down. :P

You know, the words "rent," "stomp," "vagina," and "penis" don't belong together in the same post. It's sick and wrong!

I would LOVE to see RENT, STOMP, or The Vagina Monologues...... but for some reason the Puppetry of the Penis intrigues me. Wouldn't it be awful if it was a Jim Henson production?

Speaking of performances, I say next time we have a VGJ (or VG or GJ or JV or ABCDEFG) day, we go to TKTS in the city and just pick something to go see. Sure, we'll have no idea what's on sale till we get there, but tickets are 50-75% off and consider this list of stuff that was on sale two weeks ago (with the stuff I don't care about conveniently and selfishly removed :P) : 42nd Street, Contact, The Full Monty, Les Miserables, and RENT. And Off Broadway, there was (no link cause I'm too lazy to find these): Eat The Runt, Naked Boys Singing, something called Puppetry of the Penis, STOMP, The Vagina Monologues, and Tick, Tick... Boom! . I need me some theater :)

Oooh.... The Paperboys are going to be in Montclair on the 19th of April next year. Sure that's just over six months from now, but oooooh, anyway.

Jen: OMG I had a fucked up dream last night
Vic: oh?
Jen: I was in a loony bin cell with Hannibal Lecter and Angelina Jolie's character from "Girl, Interrupted"...
Jen: we just kept going "I'll never teeeeeeeell" sort of like the budweiser frogs
Jen: that was the whole dream
Vic: ROTFL!

AHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! I WANNA GO!!!! PLEASE!?!?!

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I could say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again, again....
Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said
I'm sorry

And BTW.... I didn't fail American Civ... I got a B... and it wasn't even on a curve... thank you, Lord. :P

Vic: quack
Jen: baa
Vic: maa. (goat, and different from a sheep's maa)
Jen: LOL
Jen: neigh
Vic: woof
Jen: meow
Vic: peep
Jen: tweet
Vic: heehaw
Jen: cockle doodle doo
Vic: um.
Vic: i give up.
Vic: you win.
Jen: LOL! yay! And jen wins this round of Barnyard Wars!! ::victory music plays::
Vic: ROTFL!!!!
Vic: :-)

I SOOOOOO just failed my American Civ exam. Well, I might have gotten a D, but that's doubtful. Because I am a great big failure. Yay. ::curls up into a little ball and dies::

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride
From these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I
sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I
try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on
when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself
MYSELF!
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
MYSELF!
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself
MYSELF!
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
MYSELF!
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
How do you think
I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid
I’m out of touch
How do you expect
I will know what to do
When all I know
Is what you tell me to
Don’t you
KNOW
I can’t tell you how to make it
GO
No matter what I do, how hard I
TRY
I can’t seem to convince myself
WHY
I’m stuck on the outside
Don’t you
KNOW
I can’t tell you how to make it
GO
No matter what I do, how hard I
TRY
I can’t seem to convince myself
WHY
I’m stuck on the outside
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

I am the pumpkin king.

Jen: "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" i fucking hate that
Gary: LOL
Jen: I hear it like every 10 minutes
Gary: All you do...is make up a fake number..get your daughter..then run before they find out..yeesh...
Gary: :P
Jen: "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell"
Gary: LOL!!
Jen: ::beats head against table:: "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell" "I'll never teeeeeeeeell"
Gary: lol *puts a little pillow between you and the table*
Jen: LOL thanks

Vic: i'm soooooo boooooooooooored.
Gary: gather up a couple of kids in the computer lab, then play a big game of one potato two potato three potato four, college edition
Vic: how is that different from regular edition?
Gary: Lubricant is involved.

From an IM to my friend Jeff: "hehe. my friend gary and i used get schezwan every time my roommate would go home for the weekend. he'd end up getting good fortunes like "one of your friends will choke" and i'd get boring ones like "you will choke". then we'd stay up until six in the morning playing playstation games, cracking each other up, and suffering from indigestion. :-P"

Yo, listen up... here's a story... about a little guy that lives in a blue world... and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue... like him... inside and outside...

Only on a man's show would burping a baby be equated with bleeding brakes.

My interpersonal communication class has been moved to a building on the north side of campus, about a 10 minute walk from the main buildings and also near the police academy (which trains at my college).... downside: walking uphill for 10 minutes with 50 pounds of books on my back... upside: cute cops and cadets galore.... now I'd like to interpersonally communicate with some of them... YUM.

jesus christ, I fucking hate the world. Fucking bastards... how can they do this? WTF?

We sit here and we see the stuff that goes on in other countries and we never imagine that it could happen here... and then it does...

It's frightening, and God, those poor people....

Like I told you at the fair, Gary, you have to learn the "Look once, then away!" technique. Say it with me... Once.. then away! Once.. then away! Otherwise, people think you care.

Hey, guys... If you look your left, you'll notice I've set the archive frequency to monthly instead of weekly. The gigantic list was starting to really irritate me.

PS "Bite it! Bite it like a little monkey!" :)

Jen: wow... I think I just heard screams coming from the woods behind my yard
Gary: maybe it was one of the crows attacking a human
Jen: a human casually strolling through the woods at 1am?
Gary: what..humans can't stroll through the woods?
Jen: at 1 am? in bumblefuck?
Gary: maybe it was an neanderthal lost and trying to find his cave
Jen: LOL
Jen: or maybe it was a prisoner escaping from one of the two state prisons or the mental hospital near me
Gary: hehe don't worry, he wants to be your friend....your very good friend
Jen: LOL shut up
Gary: LOL!!
Jen: >.<
Gary: hmm?
Jen: screams from the dark woods behind my house make me nervous
Gary: maybe it's a mutant deer trying to lure you out for a massacre
Jen: LOL
Jen: sure, I didnt WANT to sleep tonight

I think I speak for everyone, Gary, when I say WHAT THE FUCK.....

::sings to the tune of that Sting song:: "Penguin in a bot--tle..."

I had something all profound to share, but I don't remember it, so instead, i'll just put up this picture of everyone's favorite claymation penguin:

I hate the world.... This is proof why that's okay....

"When you woke up this morning, you knew that something was missing in your life. It wasn't the new car, the new job, the boyfriend or the girlfriend. But now you know: it's the Baby Jesus butt plug. Slap him on the dashboard. Use him as the ultimate pacifier. Or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche.
What Would Jesus Do?

Vic: oh! grr... i never bothered with a trip to the eye doc to get fitted for contacts.
Jen: why not?
Vic: it slipped my mind. just like the porn shopping expedition i had to go on :P
Jen: lol
Jen: we could do that next time we hang out :P
Vic: yes, that sounds like sooooo much fun :P
Vic: ohhhh...
Vic: LOL!!! DER
Vic: i thought you meant getting fitted for contacts
Jen: LOL! Yes, I want to make sure you select the right kind. :P

Jen: I wish I had shitloads of money to hire my own goons.
Jen: I want goons.
Vic: LOL
Vic: what will your goons do?
Jen: anything I tell them... such as kidnapping hot guys for me
Jen: stealing 2001 pontiac grand am's from GM dealerships
Jen: feeding my dogs
Vic: LOL
Jen: I don't think I would have them blow up a boat that my sister and her fiance were on, though
Vic: ..... WAIT.....
Jen: hm?
Vic: never mind, brain spasm :P
Jen: LOL... ok
Vic: I didn't recognize the reference at first and so i was all "Wait.... Jen never mentioned a sister before... WTF?!?" :P
Jen: ROTFL!!
Vic: but then "boat" stuck out in my head and i went "ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Jen: yes, but we keep her in the basement and dont talk about her often.
Vic: ROTFL!

When you're driving down one major highway, passing an exit ramp which also serves as the entrance ramp onto another major highway.... well, it's just a very bad thing if your car decides to shut down at this point. Very, very bad.

So I'm sitting here at almost 2 am in a gray t-shirt and my black PJ pants, wearing my glasses and sipping on a glass of water..... and wearing my red sparkly hooker shoes. I don't know why. They're red and sparkly and make Jen happy. I feel like that serial killer whose name escapes me, who used to dress up in the skins of the women he killed to feel excited. Yay me.

LOL... I was listening to the Opie & Anthony show, and O & A were discussing a ride called The Titanic that they had seen at a carnival. Apparently, the guys were horrified over this ride because it was based on a tragedy, and they were wondering exactly how long you must wait before you can poke fun at a disaster. Never ones to shy away from mocking something, they started describing possible rides at a virtual Disaster Theme Park:

• TWA Flight 800 Log Flume
  
• Hiroshima Funland (or something to that effect)
  
• Columbine Paintball
  
• Hitler's Haunted Bunker
  
• Jon Benet Ramsey Whack-A-Mole
  
• Susan Smith Car Pool
  
• Puerto Rican Day Lawn Sprinkler Game
  
• Paula Poundstone Slumber Party
  
• Phil Hartman Shooting Gallery
  
• Chandra Levy Hide & Seek Game
  
• Ted Kennedy Log Flume -- Go out with your girl, but only you return!
  
• And if you get hungry.... there's always the Donner Party Buffett.
  

I'm really starting to like O & A. :P

my youngest brother got a car.... 16 years newer than mine and every single thing in working condition... meanwhile, I discovered another affliction that my car has: in addition to lack of fuel injection, horrible gas mileage, spinning out in anything that's not a dry flat road, the roof coming apart, the little wand to adjust side mirrors falling into the door, the three (not four) crackling speakers, the gear indicator that's stuck over "park", the magical red "generator" light that keeps coming on, the cracks on my steering wheel (from sun exposure) that leave scratches on my hand, the squeaky right rear wheel, the busted seat belt catch, the strobe light in my trunk, the vanilla coffee stain on my passenger side floor, the left side dash light that goes out when it feels like it, the random shutting off while I'm driving, the difficulties the car has shifting at low speeds, the lack of freon required to run the AC, the (new) brakes that squeal and stick, the frequent cases of vapor lock which require me to remove and replace the gas tank cap, the crooked bumper, the rust spot on the door, the horrible pickup speed.... what was I talking about? Oh yeah.... now, when it rains hard, the hollow inside of my driver side door fills with water. I discovered this when closing my car door and hearing a watery whoosh noise... after close inspection, we found plugs in the drain holes in the bottom of my door. Yay.... this is my car. Older than me. And slowly but surely falling apart.

I wonder if I should be worried about the company I work for.... first I found a plant that looks mysteriously like a pot plant growing behind the store... then the DEA was in our store, checking on fraudulent prescriptions... then I find a box of cigarettes containing marijuana in the store, presumably left there by a customer... then someone working out of one of the stores in the area is being fingered as a drug user/dealer.... and I've also found out about some inappropriate relationships between employees in the area stores.... I wonder WTF is going on? My job would make an EXCELLENT soap opera.

I tried to cancel my free AOL again, citing slow connections and frequent disconnects as my reasons... my AOL helpdesk agent's solution? Uninstall and reinstall the software.... and for my troubles, my one free month of AOL has become two free months of AOL. I could get used to this... just call up and bitch every month and get yet another month free of AOL.

So I just tried to cancel my AOL free trial.... and my member services rep couldn't help me because the AOL computers were down. If that doesn't speak volumes about the level of technical support AOL provides, I don't know what would. :P

AOL would be so cool if they fixed a few things:

1. Faster connections
2. More stable connections; less spontaneous disconnects
3. AOL IM and AIM should be the same format
4. Get rid of the annoying AOL internal browser
5. Lower the price!

If only the above were true.... I wouldn't be canceling my FREE TRIAL. Shit must really suck if it's free and I'm canceling it.

J-Mo: I think I'm a compulsive liar
Vic: why?
J-Mo: because I lie to strangers for fun :P
Vic: lol. so do i.
J-Mo: ah, ok
J-Mo: "oh, vic does it, therefore it's okay."
Vic: lol
Vic: exactly
Vic: think of me as the pope, except you don't have to believe i pee rose-scented water like a good catholic :P
J-Mo: ROTFL!!

When Dreams Come True
Yaknow, I don't watch a lot of TV. The only shows I could truly sit down and enjoy every week were Xena: Warrior Princess and The X-Files. Then some fuckwad cancelled Xena (it's last episode airing only a couple of months ago), and I was left with the ailing, why-won't-it-die-already X-Files. David Duchovny is gone, with a slim chance of making cameo appearances next season. Gillian Anderson has announced that this is her final season. Robert Patrick, as Agent T2000 (or whatever the fuck it was), and Annabeth Gish, as Agent I-Swear-I'm-Not-A-Lesbian, have been cast to resurrect this sinking ship. But there is a glimmering ray of hope, boys and girls. Because if you wish hard enough, your dreams will come true. Yes, that's right, I've just learned that Lucy Lawless, XENA HERSELF, has signed on to do several episodes of The X-Files. I am nearly orgasmic with delight over this!! I have dreamed of this for YEARS. Now granted, with Mulder gone, there won't be any of those Mulder/Scully/Xena threesomes I dreamed about, but nonetheless.... Xena and X-Files, together at last!!!

'nuff said.

Jen: OMG, I went to a NJ Dept. of Fish, Game, & Wildlife fish hatchery today, and outside they have these pools with all these bigass trout in them, and you can buy fish food and feed them....
Jen: I got some food and was throwing one pellet in at a time.... the fish were jumping out of the water, one at a time....
Jen: so I took a handful of pellets and threw them in, and all of a sudden, ALL the fish started leaping out of the water
Jen: some kid started screaming "PIRAHANAS!!!"
Vic: LOL! when trout attack.
Vic: poor J-mo < g >
Jen: LOL!!
Jen: MTV Lives of Celebrities special: J-Mo at the NJ Dept. of Fish, Game, & Wildlife fish hatchery
Vic: LOL!!! ::imagines the music video::
Jen: LOL ::pictures herself wearing the infamous green Versace dress while holding a trout at the hatchery::
Vic: ::almost chokes and DIES::
Jen: LOL! yay! I've killed you almost 3 times with this J-Mo joke!
Vic: ROTFL! ::gives you a notch for keeping count::
Jen: "if you want my trout and I gave you all my bait would you fish for me, oh yeah baby..."
Vic: LOL!!

From the "Oh, Fuck!" Diaries of Jen
I am so, so stupid..... around 3:30 am this morning I decided to take a 3 hour nap before I would leave to go see the balloons launch (see below). After all, being up 24+ hours then working a 10-hour day left me in a state during which I shouldn't be driving. So, I drifted to sleep... then proceeded to wake up at 1pm. Why, you may ask? Because I forgot to set my alarm clock last night. Now I missed the opportunity to shoot pictures of hundreds of shiny balloons taking over the sunrise skies of Hunterdon County. Fuck me.

BTW..... in a move to demonstrate my love for Jennifer Lopez, who is absolutely fucking beautiful and kicked ass on SNL last night, I now want to be referred to as J-Mo. Got it?

Tale of the Balloon Festival
So apparently every year in my county there is a massive hot air balloon festival. I don't know about you, but I'm used to jets from Newark Airport zooming over my house... NOT bigass hot air balloons landing in my backyard or vintage fighter planes flying around at 6am and making me think I've woken up in the midst of a 1943 aerial dogfight. But after work today, I took a ride with my parents down the highway to the area in which my school is, which is also about 5 minutes away from the airport at which these hundreds of balloons, etc., launch. You have not LIVED til you see rows and rows of cars pulled over to the shoulders of a highway for at least a 10-mile stretch, or seen parking lot after parking lot filled with spectators watching hundreds of hot air balloons floating and descending where ever the winds take them. Note that this sometimes means hot air balloons land in residential backyards, shopping center parking lots, farm fields, and yes, even on the highway. But perhaps the best part of today's trip down the highway was the giant Pepsi balloon. Yes, boys and girls, I had the opportunity to drive right beneath a humongous Pepsi-can shaped hot air balloon, riding in a convertible, no less. (Me, not the balloon, you buffoons). We pulled over to the side of the road to watch the Pepsi can land; a few seconds later, a car goes by with its horn honking, and some moron hanging out the window screaming, "I FUCKING LOVE PEPSI!".... okay... it doesn't sound funny now but it was when it happened... so yeah, I'm staying up to see the mass acension of balloons at 6:45 am this morning... so tired.... been up for 24+ hours.... sigh. Normal 20-somethings stay up for nights of hot sex with their significant others... I stay up to spend a morning with hot air balloons. Yay me.

Vic: wow. what if i were choking and you were my only recourse?
Jen: LOL... sorry... I'm not breaking my 33.6 kbps connection to call 911
Jen: (just kidding of course)
Vic: ROTFL!!!!!
Vic: ::gives you a notch for hilarious misanthropy::

Marilyn Manson interview on the radio...

interviewer: "Any song you'd like to cover that you haven't already?"
MM: " 'Silent Night', I want to do a duet with Tammy Faye Bakker"
interviewer: ::laughs::
MM: "...... I'm not kidding."
interviewer: "Any plans on having children?"
MM: "Sure.... for dinner."

What a day I've had... it all started when I was in the shower and one of my contacts folded itself up and got stuck under my eyelid, for the second time this week. I spent an hour trying to get it down... finally I did. Today was also my first day working at the store fulltime... god, I hate working fulltime. I can't wait for school to start. And for some reason, my back was more excruciating than usual today... I couldn't stand up straight without screaming in pain.... I took about 5 advil this morning but it did jack shit.... when I got to work today I bought some Doan's backache pills; they helped a little but I was still wincing everytime I moved. I managed to get through the night.... I wanted to stick around after closing for a bit to clean up for the other assistant manager wh opens tomorrow, but all of the other staff was leaving right away and I'm not allowed to be in the store by myself anymore (eckerd doesn't trust any of its associates, apparently) so I had to leave with them. We walk outside..... and lo and behold, some massive thunderstorm is blowing in.... but I desperately need gas so I drive up the road to the only gas station in the area that's still open, and while I'm waiting for the tank to fill, the sky explodes. After I pay for my gas, I leave, but it's raining far too hard for me to drive. So I go back to the parking lot at Eckerd and wait for the rain to let up. Meanwhile, lightening strikes something and the entire town goes black..... and I'm going "oh shit" because now I'm worried about the store alarm going off. One of my least favorite parts of being on management is responding to calls when the alarm goes off and having to file a report with the police. The power did come back on, and then I decided I was sick of waiting for the rain to let up, so I just decided to drive home. I opted to take backroads instead of the highway.... my car+ wet roads+high speeds=major trouble. Now, of course, would be the night my car decides to have problems... my dash light goes out... my AC is broken, but I can't open my window unless I want to soak my interior, and no cold air=worthless defroster.... my wipers are streaking... windows fogging up.... not a good situation. So I'm driving home on a street-light-less country road, with a flashlight aimed at my dash so I can watch my speed, my wipers on their fastest setting... the windows cracked open slightly and my defroster blowing hot air, making me break out in a sweat.... me with one hand on the wheel trying to control my hydroplaning car and watching out for one-foot-deep puddles, and the other hand armed with a paper towel so I can continuously wipe down my fogged-up windshield.... my 10-minute drive home took me about 25 minutes. Oh, and of course tonight would be the night that not one but two deer decide to run out in front of me.... I actually hit one.... not too hard though, it fell but got right back up..... fucking dumbass animals. This is why I hate summer... I hate goddamn thunderstorms and the havoc they wreak. Blah.

Uh ha ha, ha ha
Uh mmm mmm, mmm mmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha
Uh mmm mmm, mmm mmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha
Uh mmm mmm, mmm mmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha
Uh mmm mmm, mmm mmm


So tell me
When you took the Practice Scholastic Aptitude Test did you know the answers or did you guess?
You rely on gimmicks to amuse your fans and act all urban to jack up your soundscan, what's the matter with you?
How come you rhyme monosyllabically, is atrophy shrinking your entire vocabulary?
Your style's like garbage cans, meant to be taken out on a weekly basis
Ever since your first record you've been in a state of suspended animation
You look like Snuffalupagous and australopithecus, me, cray, you, abacus
But enough about you, let's talk about me and how single-handedly I redefined the science of radio astronomy
Making Noble Prize winners question their notions of reality
Oh but I digress, you play Sorry and I play chess
King's pawn to B3, checkmate, go get some Percocets
Uh ha ha, ha ha


Careful with that mic Weezie
Do you really think it's that easy?


Mmm, this is really good ice cream, you want some of it?
Oh my bad, I didn't know you were lactose intolerant
Makes you pass gas, frightens all the girls away
The only friends you keep are those you pay
Always on the ready for the whack snack attack I carry sandwiches around in a straight-edge style Jansport backpack
Got the gadget Q gave Bond, control your mind, make you jump in a pond
Quack quack, flap your arms leave you confused but completely unharmed
Uh ha ha, ha ha


Careful with that mic Weezie
Do you really think it's that easy?
Do you really think it's true?
That up above they can't hear you


Uh ha ha, ha ha


Now look here
Both you and I know the past ten years have been rather intense
I'm ashamed to admit that I've been fooled by the seductions of violence
People walkin' around with ugly auras and at times I'm even tempted to seek the advice of Dr. Laura
But I ignore her
And I take a deep breath and count to ten
Ain't gonna let it get under my skin
Take a deep breath and count to ten
Think of all the nice places that I have been
Like back when I was waging peace against the visigoths I was tutored in the ancient mysteries by a wisened philosoph
Learned the polyrhythm of celestial time, and wait for the one to come and get it done, to finish the rhyme
Uh ha ha


Careful with that mic Weezie
Do you really think it's that easy?
Do you really think it's true?
That up above they can't hear you


Uh ha ha, ha ha
Mmm hmm, mmm hmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha
Mmm hmm, mmm hmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha
Mmm hmm, mmm hmm
Uh ha ha, ha ha

somebody else MUST care about this blog.... anyone? anyone at all?

yup, I'm crazy. I was driving past that mental hospital last night (on Sanitarium Road, no less... teehee) and considered checking myself in. But I didn't stop. No, not yet.... If I'm going to be considered legally insane, I might as well get away with some murders while I'm at it.

I am driving myself insane... I am so stupid, so dumb.. I shouldn't be allowed to make decisions, because I always make the wrong ones.... why don't I look before I leap? Think before I speak? Why do I overanalyze anyway and STILL fuck up? Why am I such a neurotic mass of failure? Why am I missing the necessary skills to cope with life? WTF? Why am I afraid of everything? For someone so intelligent, I am rather stupid. I don't get it. Not at all. Nothing makes sense. I'm losing it. Sanity? hahahahahahahahahahahaha...... Sure, I can live in denial, and pretend everything is A-OK, but it's really not.... and who am I kidding.... I pretend it doesn't exist until one day it all just blows up in my face.... just like a Coke bottle that's been shaken to the brink of insanity.... WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE.... 3, 2, 1 BLASTOFF..... I am going insane, insane going am I.... one, two, buckle my shoe, three, four, shut the door, five, six, pick up sticks, seven, eight, lay them straight, nine, ten, an insane jEN..... Sure, I can pretend I'm normal, try to blend in, but I don't, really, I can't deal with life, oh groan jEN, stop being so melodramatic I say, but to no avail.... because when you're not in touch with reality like me, and when you suddenly have a rude awakening to the world, it's a scary thing, to not be able to deal with things so simple that a five-year-old would probably be more emotionally developed than you, oh god did that make sense? I don't want to do this, should have never done it, need to rewind back to 1997, or better yet 1979, I would have set things straight... can't do it.... here come the demons, playtime for them, I thought they left long ago, but now they're back, why won't they go away? WHY?

Eli-Lilly, the pharmaceutical company that makes Prozac, accidentally posted e-mail addresses of people who use the drug on their Web site. Now, considering how many prescriptions I fill in my pharmacy every week for Prozac and other anti-depressants, tranquilizers, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics, etc., (which just proves that society, especially affluent white bread folk who are sad because they can only afford to buy a 10 bedroom mansion instead of a 15 bedroom one and therefore downplay the importance of these drugs to the people who actually need them but I digress, is overmedicated)... I'm wondering exactly how long that list was? It would probably have taken a day for the screen to load on my dial-up connection.

Gary: ::talking about his parents:: I dunno..but god I hope they're not having sex...ewww
Jen: LOL... how do you think YOU got here?
Gary: I descended to Earth on a glimmering ray of light. Duh.
Jen: LOL!!
Jen: aww... no fair.

X-Files: The Musical
"Aliens, we got aliens...."

Vic: LOL.... i'm sooo weird....
Jen: LOL! REALLY!?!? Get CNN on the phone!
Vic: ROTFLMFAO!!!!
Vic: ::convulses::
Jen: LOL!!

Vic: guess what's David Duchovny's secret passion.
Jen: Jerking off in my name?
Vic: LOL!!!
Jen: :-)
Vic: growing cantalopes
Jen: O.O
Jen: ::blinks::
Vic: this is straight out of his mouth btw
Jen: ::doesn't share the dirty thought that just came to her mind::
Vic: LOL... go ahead. i probably had it too
Jen: cantalopes... sure, that's what he says... but it's really a metaphor for my breasts :P
Vic: lol :-)

Jen: ::discussing a hot guy in her class:: the only reason I want him is to screw him. Well, either that, or I'd keep him in a glass cage where I could stare at him naked all day. I don't want a relationship with him, though.
Vic: ::shakes head:: who needs to relate to people normally? not you, apparently. :P

Just in case any of you doubted my tendency to be weird as well as psychotic... according to Jung-Myers-Briggs personality typology test, I have the same personality type as everyone's favorite serial killer, Hannibal Lecter (that being INTJ).

whoo... I love angelina jolie.... she was quoted saying this to a magazine.... "At the end of the day I really like women. I'd love it if the girls in the cinema watching Lara Croft find me just as hot as their boyfriends do."

Dear Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi,
Hi. I'm coming to get you. SIX YEARS worth of MY saturday nights, and this is what I get in return? You must be kidding me. Xena and Gabs deserved more than that. Yeah, I cried. I cried because I'm goddamn sad that one of the two shows that I actually turn on the tv for is ending. But I'm even more sad because of what you did. And the giant creepy fucking face coming through the glass? Let's not even discuss that, or the whip of fire, or the fucking decapitation fetish. Goddammit... thank you for ruining everything.
Screw you all,
Jen

Jen: Vic was making fun of me because I think the Sprint PCS guy is sorta hot.
Gary: LOL...he's not hot
Jen: sorta!!
Gary: he's eerie
Jen: I like his eyes.... I like them so much I want to put them in a jar for safekeeping...
Gary: LOL
Gary: how....romantic

And I thought I had too much time on my hands.

From the Emotion Eric website.

Gary: wow...what do all the bugs think when there's a huge storm?
Jen: "Oh, fuck!" comes to mind
Gary: hehe...i mean..we go indoors...but if there's a flying bug buzzing about...and it just starts pooring super heavy like it did the other night in that thunderstorm....they go from happy buzzing to smack on the ground.
Jen: that must suck
Jen: I wonder what it's like to get stepped on by a huge shoe
Jen: LOL.... did I just say that?
Gary: LOL...yes...I think you did
Jen: ROTFL.... and I wonder what it's like to fly into a bug zapper
Gary: Sigh...another boring day...buzzing around..nothing to do....annoy this guy...fly up that girl's nose...oh...what's this...a light...a beautiful light...a light like no other... I must see it..I must feel it...I must...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Jen: LOL..... what about the goddamn moths that consistently fly into my windshield at night? I wonder what they think right before they go splat?
Gary: LOL... "The light...it's finally coming -to- me...! closer....Closer...CLOSER...! *splat*
Jen: I have a fucking moth graveyard on my windshield
Gary: Classy. :-)

"The first step is accepting that you have a problem..."

Vic: would you rather hold a drinking party or an orgy?
Jen: orgy
Jen: I usually prefer drinking by myself
Vic: LOL.... just like a real alcoholic
Jen: LOL!!! SHUT UP!!

Gary: ::attaches a cone to your head::
Vic: lol. thanks
Gary: lol...you have the choice of ice cream, dunce, and traffic cones
Vic: what are you attaching the cone with?
Gary: crazy glue of course
Vic: can it be a plastic representation of an ice cream cone?
Gary: oh, of course, I had that in mind, there's no point in crazy glueing a real ice cream cone on if it just crumbles away after a day or two.
Vic: ok, i'll take that..... it'll be the least awkward during sex.... i mean, do i really want a gigantic orange traffic cone slamming into my headboard?
Gary: ROFL!!!!
Vic: an ice cream cone is small and discrete :P
Gary: yes, the diminutive ice cream cone attached to your head would be much better

Vic: lol.... wouldn't it be terrible if people had blowholes at the top of their heads that would start whistling whenever they got horny?
Gary: great...you've incapacitated me
Vic: LOL! yay!
Vic: and as a person got hornier, it would get louder and more intense
Vic: kind of like a teakettle
Gary: rofl!!

I can dream, can't I?

hmm... we need to plan a VGJ day to see Evolution. It's only going to be around for so long. Plus, we haven't hung out since March. ::pouts and whines:: :P

::sneaks up from behind and pushes you off the high horse, just for shits and giggles::

1. EWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. ::gets on his high horse:: Well, then I wouldn't take it. It's not like things are any easier for straight people, not to mention the fact that, well, I LIKE being gay.

You'll probably go straight. Ah yes, the wet dream of Pat Robertson and Christian Coalition members everywhere.... a pill that could turn gay people straight. :P

Out of curiousity, what would happen if I took Jentos?

See two blogs below this one for the explanation.

Jen: I was just randomly IMed by "DrGetItWet"
Gary: too bad you can't instantly change your name to "NurseCutItOff"

Vic makes a weird comment.
Vic: sigh. it's weird things like that that scare away the boy here and there that occasionally makes it past my shyness :P
Jen: you just need to find someone who matches your weirdness
Vic: hellllllo..... my dating pool is less than one tenth the size of yours AND i have to figure out if they're gay too or not. the odds of me finding someone matching my weirdness before death are rather small
Jen: well, even if you find a straight weird one...
Jen: let me have a spin with him and he'll be gay in no time :P
Vic: LOL. :P
Jen: ::imagines a mentos commercial for Jen..... "Jen: the GayMaker"::
Vic: LOL!!!!! i want to watch that ad!
Jen: LOL..... it probably consists of a scared young man clad in boxers running down the street looking frantically over his shoulder.... and me wrapped in a bedsheet screaming "Get the fuck back here!"
Vic: ROTFL!!!!

oh, look, they're back now. Fucking Blogger.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Now our blog's most current page is showing, but where did half of the archives disappear to? AHHH!

Blogger, the #1 Hosebeast of the Northeast. Or something. It rhymed! Me tired.

Why does blogger suck so much ass? why is it always down?

Here's our jingle for goldfish, wrote a song for goldfish, the wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off...

Jen: LOL.... things I should NOT be thinking while viewing serial killer mugshots...
Jen: "He's kind of hot."
Gary: LOL!!!!!!!!
Gary: Ooh...look at that one...he killed 15 and buried them in his mother's back yard.. He's so dreamy.

A question posed to serial killer Ed Kemper during a magazine interview...
"What do you think when you see a pretty girl walking down the street?"
His answer: "One side of me says, 'I'd like to talk to her, date her.' The other side of me says, 'I wonder how her head would look on a stick?' "

Kill me.... I'm watching Kathie Lee Gifford sing children's songs on the Rosie O'Donnell show... please kill me.

THANK YOU, CHRIS CARTER!!!!!!!

My long dark hair is now short dark hair.... and after I dye it burgundy-red this weekend, my transformation from Xena to Scully will be complete. THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! ahem....

Crackhead. :P

Twisted Physics 204 Final

Question 1: How how many rotations per minute will little Timmy have to spin in place to rip off his own arms? Assume Timmy's mass is 30 kilograms, 10 kg at three points (his torso and his two hands), that he is 1 meter tall, and that his arms immediately fall off if either the vertical or horizontal components of the force on them is greater than 5000 newtons.
Question 2: Assuming that Timmy's arms are at the top of his head (to simplify your calculations), how far away from Timmy will his arms land if he is standing at the top of a hill with a 5 degree incline?
Question 3: Assuming a coeffiecient of friction of .6 between Timmy's arms and the hill, how far will Timmy's arms slide before coming to a stop?

Show all work! Partial credit is possible!
You have 15 minutes. Good luck!

ROTFL!!
MAN MONKEY!

Please kill me. Guess what I must have lost last week? The magical floppy disk that goes everywhere with me... the one I store in my messenger bag, right next to my $100 calculator and my checkbook... the one that has my papers and homework from the last two semesters saved on it.... the one with all my new HTML code for my website on it.... and the one whose case not only stores a disk but also a sheet of paper with every single internet username (email, websites, school network logins, EVERYTHING) that I have, plus PASSWORDS on it. I am so so so fucked. I can't imagine how I lost it, though, since I am so neurotic about having it with me at all times. I know I had it last Monday, when I made a presentation to my computer class.... and I had it with me when I went to the computer lab to work on some HTML coding.... and I must have brought it home since I transferred the code onto my PC's hard drive... no school Tuesday... an exam wednesday, so I dont think I took the disk out... and Thursday I had a criminology exam so I don't think I was near a computer.... it's not at work or in any of the cars I was in last week... it's not in my bag or anywhere on my desk, or near my PC.... dear God, where IS it!?!? I'm going to fucking die if I don't find it soon.... gah... I hope my school is open this week so I can search the rooms that I may have left it in, or see if it found it's way to lost & found.... hell, even if I lost the disk, I just want my paper with my passwords on it... how odd to have lost the whole thing.... sigh... what am I going to do? Perhaps I shall kill myself.... motherfucker... ::SCREAMS::: HOW CAN THINGS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE? WILL I DIE NEXT?!? OH GOOD, I HOPE SO... BRING IT ON, DEATH, I DON'T FEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::explodes::

Gary: sigh..my left nipple is suddenly extraordinarily itchy again
Jen: LOL... you know what that usually signifies, don't you?
Gary: I'm lactating? :P
Jen: extraordinarily itchy nipples usually means someone, somewhere in the world, is jerking off in your honor. :P
Gary: LOL
Gary: great
Gary: then someone's having a huge whack fest, cause it's been like this on and off for a day or two :P
Jen: LOL! maybe there's a huge orgy being held in your name, somewhere in germany or something.
Jen: "Heil mein Wagner Gary! HEIL MEIN WAGNER GARY!"
GGallivo: LOL!!!

LOL. I think I overdid it on the hair gel this morning. Every time I smile, I can feel my hair crack.

So here I am... so close to being done with the paper.... and I'm listening to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.... and I'm reaching the point where it won't be long now for unconsciousness to hit me.... because I think I just typed something to the effect of "Lynx is too sexy for Explorer, too sexy for Navigator..." ...I'm eating M&Ms and drinking coffee because I really needed to stay awake... but I dropped an M&M in the dust next to my computer.... I picked it up and then I ate it. I. ATE. THE. DUSTY. M&M!!! Not because I was hungry or I have an affinity for dust but because it was in my hand and the next place it should naturally go is into my mouth. I just realized that the sentence I just wrote could have some bad implications with those of you who have perverted minds. So let's pretend this never happened. Back to my paper.

so... sick... of writing... about... the Internet.... currently on page 10..... 2.75 pages to go.... losing steam.... please send money.... rtreijregg 46tu7536324093224t(*)EQ!K))K(*99745nfemere'ytjpokty835y535573509239%%E^877*(##%$@!ewrt54eJHGRIURTkooihOHIjnLKi..................................................................................................... ::dies::

HEY! That's my dog! :)

AWW :)

Jen: I would pay good money to see a threesome between scully, mulder, and doggett
Vic: lol.
Vic: "Agent Moooooulder!" he calls. "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"
Vic: yes! GAWD! that's so annoying!
Vic: moooooooulder :P
Jen: I sorta like it :P Alright, why am I turned on by the strangest things?
Vic: hehe
Jen: "yess!! 3 fbi agents going at it!"
Vic: yeah, well it's only cute until someone loses his eye
Jen: ROTFL.... you don't want to know the images in my head right now
Vic: ROTFL!... that was supposed to go with the comment about the accent... i hadn't even considered the next comment
Jen: LOL... wow... "uh, oh scully, oooh.... OW! OW! somebody get that eyeball before it rolls down a storm drain!"
Vic: ROTFL!

::curls up into a little ball and dies::

BTW, I tried getting a Site Meter on here, but to no avail. I think it may have something to do with the way Blogger works with JavaScript. :P

Jen: something you don't want to see printed on your can of potato chips: "May cause abdominal cramping and loose stools."
Vic: ROTFL!
Jen: yay fat-free Pringles made with Olean, Destroyer of Intestines.

Jen: My brain's trying to escape from my skull through my right eye
Gary: Distract it by shoving a knife in your left eye.
Gary: Just with a butter knife though, you wouldn't want to do any serious damage after all.
Jen: Another lovely excerpt from Gary's HORRIBLE HORRIBLE Medical Advice, on sale now at Waldenbooks for only $14.99!

Gary: It's 9pm, do you know where your children are?
Jen: still in my ovaries. :P
Gary: LOL, good call.
Jen: :)

Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk? WELL, you left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see I've gone completely out of my mind... AND! They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HOHO, hehe, HAHA, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away HAHA! You thought it was a joke and so you laughed -- YOU LAUGHED! -- when I had said that losing you would make me flip my lid. Right? You know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed, you laughed and laughed and then you left but now you know I'm UTTERLY MAD... AND! They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HOHO, hehe, HAHA, to the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're coming to take me away HAHA! I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back for all my kind, unselfish, loving deeds, HA? Well, you just wait, they'll find you yet, and when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt... AND! They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HOHO, hehe, HAHA, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away HAHA! To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're coming to take me away HAHA! To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away HAHA!

Daddy like a sausage?

Sorry, 95% of my human energy for the next three months has already been scheduled and the rest is for emergencies. Perhaps I can pencil the blog in for a transfusion sometime in October?

Energy... what's that? Between the homework I failed miserably to complete tonight, and the migraine-inducing hot weather (which has left me with a headache so bad that I can only conclude there are leprechauns in my head doing a jig on my optic nerve), I lack energy. I don't want to move. I need an air conditioner, a tall glass of iced tea, and no homework hanging over my head. I need a genie to grant me a few wishes... :P

Gary: Ugh..my left eye is being eaten by unruly field mice..
Jen: ROTFL!!! WTF!?!?
Gary:Or at least that's what it feels like.

Ohhh..... Uhhhhh.... Ohhhhh... CLUCK!!!!!

Why, watching blue chicken porn, of course.

::coughs up small blue feathers:: What the hell have you been doing with those eyes?

Thank you, Vic, for essentially spit-shining my eyes.

::licks your eyeballs when no one is looking::

I'm so fucking weird. EYEBALLS... WTF is wrong with me?!?!?

WHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINEWHINE!!!!!!!!!

Wow. Everyone's least favorite Office Assistant has some mad web design skillz.

Ok, I tired putting a Site Meter on to the left of the table, but I couldn't get it going. Want to give it a try, Jen? The codename is sm2runningwithscissors and the password (Make sure you change it!!) is the last name of Gary's character in that X Files Gummi Bear story.

LOL. The person to my left is reading about Paddington Bear. That's one point for Paddington.

Great. I'm considering skipping my last class of the day. Why? Because I really want to see Jesus Christ Superstar on Great Performances and I forgot to set the VCR. I wonder what that says about me.

You and your obession with antibacterial stuff. You do realize that NORMAL SOAP kills most bacteria and anything it can't get off is likely to be stronger that triclosan anyway, don't you? You're just making the bacteria more resistant.

Paddington: Menace to society. Cough... cough.

Hm.... Gary needs a nickname.
The frontrunners:
Garrick
Paddington

I am slowly going crazy.... Crazy going slowly, am I.
Whee.

No, but I'm generally pretty sure about the gender of others.... You're a boy and Jen's a girl. HA! :P

Blogger is a she.

AOL had a little hick-up in the afternoon and the entire instant messaging system went down.

::screams:: why does AIM refuse to work!?!??!

Vic: ::turns you into a dictionary::
Jen: yay?
Vic: ::looks up "aardvark"::
Jen: ::chokes on Sierra Mist:: ROTFL!
Vic: ::blinks:: OMG! a choking dictionary! this is unprecedented!
Jen: LMAO!!
Vic: i wonder if the dictionary chokes on other things...
Vic: ::pours cola on you::
Vic: hmm... inconclusive.
Jen: ::vomits::
Vic: hm.... perhaps it's a regurgitating dictionary.
Vic: oh, good :-)
Jen: LOL
Vic: hm.... let me try solid food....
Jen: yum!
Vic: ::puts croutons on you::
Jen: ow!
Vic: ok, no solid food.
Vic: ::turns you back to Jen::

Vitamin C Fairy. Not to be confused with Peanut Fairy (sister), Hair Fairy (first cousin), or Ugly Fairy (no relation).

Try some Nipless, from Japan!

Left alone and forced to figure out what everyone was screaming about, I found that walking through New York became a real pleasure. Crossing Fourteenth Street, an unmedicated psychotic would brandish a toilet brush, his mouth moving worldlessly as, in my head, the young people of France requested a table with a view of the fountain. The tape made me eager for our move to Paris, where if nothing else, I'd be able to rattle from memory such phrases as "Let me give you my phone number" and "I too love the sandwich."

Jen: WTF... Mulder's alive now
Jen: apparently his pulse was so incredibly low that his body started the decomposition process
Jen: and now skinner's having some sort of heart attack being controlled by Krycek. WTF?
Gary: hok
Jen: LOL... remote controlled heart attack. wow
Gary: I can do that :P
Jen: LOL
Jen: EW EW EW
Gary: wha?
Jen: someone is literally showering off his SKIN
Jen: one of the formerly dead people like Mulder
Gary: I can do that. :P
Gary: alright, be back in 20
Jen: kk
Gary: back
Jen: wow... you said back in 20 and you were gone for almost exactly 20 minutes
Gary: LOL
Gary: didn't you know? I'm chrono, the god of time :P
Gary: I can do that :P
Jen: can you make cute firefighters appear in my room?
Jen: preferably wearing easily-removable pants?
Gary: LOL, sorry no

On the handles of people in a gay chat room:

Vic: Hmm... "watching" is looking for a serious top. Aren't we all!? Nothing annoys me more in the middle of sex than when the guy fucking me starts to giggle.
Vic: "uhhhh....uhhh.... hehehe...hohoho.. hahaha!!!"
Vic: "stop laughing and get back to thrusting!"
Gary: go fucka go fucka go fucka ::makes the ghostwriter noise::

::cracks an egg on a frying pan:: A blog is a terrible thing to waste.

How did the pig paint? Did he put the brush in his mouth or was his tail dipped in a paint can?

wow... I'm sitting here watching a pig paint on Live with Regis and Kelly.... I've really, truly hit a new low.

Jen: So we get back to the school...
Vic: And then the car exploded and you all died, the end?
Vic: ::grin::
Jen: Yes, and I'm talking to you from the great beyond :P
Vic: Is Jesus eating a hamburger?
Jen: Nope. The hamburger was eating him.
Vic: LOL.
Vic: I can't even picture that
Jen: I'm picturing Jesus' sandaled feet hanging out of Hamburglar's mouth
Jen: Announcer: "we love to see you smile!" Christ, from inside Hamburglar: "I'm not smiling, goddammit! Sorry, Dad..."
Vic: .....
Vic: ::finally starts breathing again::
Vic: WOW.
Vic: ::gives you a notch::

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts...
I'm too sexy for my land, too sexy for my land, New York and Japan...
:P

GARY: "I'd love to be heiled on a regular basis for no good reason."

Jen is attempting to write a paper on why the young kill for her criminology class
JEN: wow... this sucks. I wish I could just press my nose and my paper would print out of my mouth.
JEN: the ideas are in my brain.... they just won't form a coherent analysis
GARY: ::makes sheep noises to help you::
JEN: "What leads them BAAAAA to do commit crime? Is it bAAAAiological impairment? Psychological BAAAAA problems (perhaps stemming from abuse)? Social BAAAAAAmaladjustment? "
GARY: ROFL!!!!
GARY: ::gives you a notch::

Baby shampoo: It's not just for sandwiches anymore.

From the Rutgers Career Services website: "As liberal arts graduates enter the job market, their direction may not be as obvious as that of their technically trained counterparts. But the fact is that liberal arts majors, if they learn to target their aptitudes, have as good a chance as anyone else to find meaningful work."

Vic: ::snortgiggles:: that's the kind of thing you say to retarded children.
Gary: I think I've heard that about re.. grr!! get out of my head!

Gary: "Invite the dancing Peep into your home and into your heart... by letting it drill through the door and your rib cage up into your body."

See? It's already too late for this one!

"Once they reach the packaging area, the Peeps automatically move into their trays which are then overwrapped with clear film." That's because Peeps get their souls when they are separated by human hands and the JustBorn company refuses to be directly responsible for the death of anything with a soul.

Jen 7:10-13
"¹⁰And then She heard Its voice. 'Jen,' It beckoned. 'Yes, Beefaroni Can?' she asked. ¹¹'Eat Me, for I bring eternal yum' ¹²So She heated It up. And She saw It was Good. Very Good. And She ate it. ¹³Amen."

I am your squirrely godmother! I will grant you any wish you desire! All you have to do is kiss me! That's right, come closer! KISS ME, DAMMIT!!!!

Dear God,
Could you do me a favor and let me wake up to find a hot guy laying beside me in bed tomorrow morning? It's the least you can do to make up for "The Lone Gunmen".
Thanks,
Jen

They'd be wondering why they don't live a little closer to the ground, of course.

!!! :D

Vic: ::turns you into a boulengerie::
Vic: ::buys a baguette from you::
Vic: ::turns you back to Gary::
Vic: There. My need for french bread is sated... for now.
Gary: Your parents made you breathe in Pledge furniture polish when you were a child..didn't they?

"Solitaire is just like masturbation. Only with cards."

Printed on the packaging of my antifog/anti static wipes for my glasses...
"Warning: Do not use internally."
WTF!?!?!?!?

Leaving Woodbridge Shopping Center:

Jen: "Can we see the 'Eat Me' sign from here?"
About five seconds pass...
Jen: "Did I just say 'Eat Me'?!?"

"Go clean the bathrooms, God!"

At Dunkin Donuts
"I wonder why there's so much light coming out from under that counter."
"Well, you see, GOD happens to work at this particular Dunkin Donuts..."

Tank: "I'm sorry, Jen. You rolled a six. No brakes for you!"

Me too... and my camera was in my POCKET. :P

Wow.... in all my excitement last night... I completely forgot to take any pictures. :P

Vic: "What's with the fan motif?!? What could it MEEEEAAAANNNN?"

Thomas Harris: "Hmm... what's the most stupid death I can come up with? Ooooh! I know! I know! Death by boars!!!"

YAY! Exams are over and I think I got at least a B on all of them, if not better! YAY! However... brain cells are now in hibernation... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Conversation on AIM:

Meli: Oh home home on the range where the beer and cigarettes roam
Vic: ::little bottles of bud go running by chasing some stray packs of marlboro::
Meli: *chases them*
Vic: me too! whee! :)
Meli: They'd better be menthol... that's all I'm sayin'
Vic: ::runs out of breath while chasing the beer and cigarettes and dies right on the spot!::
Meli: *takes all your catches*
Meli: You won't be needing them where you're going, buddy
Vic: ::blasphemously resurrects on the third day to wash away the sins of the world... oh, and to take back what he caught::
Vic: :)
Meli: *giggles*
Meli: Now I have to get my fat ass up to catch my own... great.
Vic: lol :)
Meli: I'll probably have a heart attack doing such

Vic: "On the next Charmed: Pru feels the pain of the whole world... literally" that is SO a Charmed plot
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: wow...
Gary: I love charmed plots...
Gary: Phoebe gets shot...back in time! So the sisters go back in time to save her!
Vic: ROTFL!
Gary: It's Valentines Day on charmed, and an evil demon has stolen cupid's ring of love and is going around, breaking up marriages! (that's an actual plot, I saw it)
Vic: WOW. LOL :)
Vic: An evil warlock casts a spell that makes brunettes repulsive! :P
Gary: LOL

They may not have been much snow, but WTF is up with all the ice? Between that and the wind, the power keeps blinking off and on, and attempting to eat the brains of my computer and my answering machine. Oh, and Dear Raritan Valley Community College, Why won't you give us off today? You do know that you service the two most rural counties in NJ, don't you? There are sheets of ice covering all of our twisty, turny, mountainous roads. And of course, if the school is open, I *HAVE* to go, because I have exams this week and I don't think my professors give makeups. So fuck you.--Jen

I, Banana Torres, Australian Hispanic Beer Banana and former US President do hereby declare the fake snowstorm to be really bogus. Boo.

Dinosaur rape... don't let it happen to you!

Snow... uh... good God, y'all... what is it good for? Absolutely Nothing! wait... I think that's going to be the title of my next journal entry....

Dear ABC,
Kathryn?!? KATHRYN?!? Wow, I NEVER suspected Kathryn (And THAT is why I'd never win on The Mole... Well, that plus I'd never get on the show because I'm not photogenic and I'm too young and... well, anyway...). At least now I can finally start watching the WB again and I can finally get some sleep again on Tuesday nights instead of letting the show invade my head. :)

Guiltily (but not too guiltily) waiting for Mole II,
Vic

I hate you, Blogger.

::morphs into Pharmacy Technician Jen::
I probably told you this already, Vic, but if the Z-pak is upsetting your stomach, just take it with food & milk. If that doesn't work.... SNAW! Oh yeah, I don't know if anyone mentioned this to you, but even though you only take 5 days' worth of doses, the medication will be circulating in your body for 10 days. Antibiotics will interfere with birth control pills, so remember to-- er, never mind.
::morphs into her third Pokemon form, Veterinary Technician Jen::
I think feline chlamydia is specific to cats. I know FIV (feline immunodeficiency virus) is specific to cats... it's exactly like HIV in humans.... yet not transmissible between the two species... but both have the same symptoms and do the same things to the body... and FIV is transmitted among cats the same way HIV is among humans.... that's right, Gary, kitten sex. And drug use. It's 8pm. Do you know if your cat is on the streetcorner shooting up?

Thought 1: You'd think with the education blitz and free kitty condoms at veterinary clinics around the country, feline chlamydia would be all but eradicated. But no.
Thought 2: I wonder if feline chlamydia and human chlamydia are the same chlamydia. I hope not because then it begs the question how exactly it leaps from cat to human and back.

Oh, look. Apparently, the antibiotic I'm taking is also an effective treatment for feline chlamydia.

The Antibiotic Fun Pack (It's "Fun" because it has more packaging than it has medication) I got from the doctor is starting to kick in. Because I'm starting to feel better? No... Because of the gastro-intestinal distress. ::claps hand over mouth and starts groaning::

Where is Victor, where is Victor?

12 days til Vic-Gary-Jen Day!! yay!

In case you were unaware, March 10th is International Vic-Gary-Jen Day. This is a day where people all across the world join in and sing the praises of that powerhouse of Weird-- the Vic-Gary-Jen team. Please light some candles and say the alphabet backwards while balancing an egg on your forehead in celebration of this great day.

Yaknow what's great about working in a pharmacy? I had biology homework... actually it was more biochem... well, I just asked the pharmacist about the questions I had to answer, and she gave me answers.... and BAM! Bio homework done over lunch break.

"It's just an inch or two... The snow is no big deal!" Riiiiight. I just like looking at snow so much that I decided to slow down and let the hour drive back and forth to school turn into four. And all the skidding toward other cars? What a rush! It was sooooo worth hurting my car and almost dying. Whee.

I am SO going to Hell....

"And the hamburger said unto Jesus, 'Eat me, and thou shall be saved...' "

Jen: you're coming to my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, right?
Gary: yah, course
Gary: There's nothin quite like pizza being served to you by giant bipedal rodents.

Yes. It would be awful.
Duh.

"Nearly a million products were recalled Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because they could be dangerous to your children. About 70,000 pairs of Barbie's Floating Glitter Sunglasses are on the list, because if the frames break, a chemical inside can leak out and burn the skin. "

Wouldn't that be awful? Just minding your own business, wearing your Barbie sunglasses.... all of a sudden they start to leak and acid is burning your eyes out?

The Boy Who Loved Cucumbers A Little Too Much, Part 5!

Unfortunately, the kitty litter was already starting to clump. Worse still, it wasn't really kitty litter, but rather, Kitty Litter brand quick-dry cement mix. Within a matter of minutes, Cucumber Jones was long and stiff, but not in a good way. One of his customers found him and placed him in the local park so pigeons could stoop on him. But fortunately, he was eventually saved...

And Jen wins 100 VicPoints for her correct answer of "fingers." He was missing four of them from an accident with a firecracker as a child. Never play with explosives, boys and girls!

The author of "The Joy of Sex" was Alex Comfort..... and I'm pretty sure he was missing fingers... but that's all I know...

For 100 VicPoints, what part of his body was the author of "The Joy of Sex" missing? ("was" because he died about a year ago)

Vic's guide to Fraiser:
Plot 1. Frasier wants Random Female X. Through everyone's ineptitude, he doesn't get her. Or if he somehow does, she's totally wrong for him and he spends the rest of the episode trying to get rid of her.
Plot 2. Someone says something to someone else. A third person overhears and misunderstands. Hilarity ensues.

::pretends to be a poor British street urchin at Christmas time:: "I'd decapitate a whore... for yoooooooooou. I'd stick a peach pit up my bum... for yoooooooooouu."

Oh! Is this like a Trival Pursuit question? I guess 50!

Can anyone guess how many brain cells are left in my head?

"Crack! Now with prizes in every package!"

[PICTURE REMOVED FOR FASTER LOADING]
'Nuff said.

In celebration of post 100, Japanese Engrish!

The Boy Who Loved Cucumbers a Little Too Much, Part 3

But Cucumber Jones soon spent so much time as a hustler, that he forgot all about his cucumber dreams. Instead, he went on to star in many pornos, the most famous of which was "Peter Piper's Peck of Pickles". But then one powerful and momentous event occurred that reminded him of his life's true calling. He was in the shower when a bright flash suddenly blinded him and a deep James Earl Jones-like voice said something to him...

Alcohol
my permanent accessory
Alcohol
a party-time necessity
Alcohol
alternative to feeling like yourself
O Alcohol
I still drink to your health

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Forget the caffe latte
screw the raspberry iced tea
A Malibu and Coke for you
a G&T for me
Alcohol
Your songs resolve like my life never will
When someone else is picking up the bill

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

O Alcohol
Would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else

I thought that Alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Would you please ignore
that you found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O Alcohol
would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else
Would you please forgive me
Would you please forgive me

credit here to the band Barenaked Ladies

Wow... anyone see X-Files tonight? Wow.... I wonder... well wow.... just wow....

::morphs into Pharmacy Jen:: Actually... you can just take 21-day-cycle birth control pills straight through (or skip the last week of placebos --in the 28-day-cycle pill packs-- that normally trigger menstruation) and never even deal with any sort of syndrome or anything at all.... ::morphs back into Regular Jen::

Vic: ::watches drug ads on tv:: if the makers of drugs are to be believed, it must be a nightmare to be a woman... there's post-menstrual syndrome, pre-menstrual syndrome, menstruation itself... only one week a month left that they're safe. And I'm sure that soon enough Pfizer will invent anti-menstrual syndrome and complete the cycle. And let's not even start on menopause... :P
Gary: I think menopause would be fun. You get to be huskier and more burly, and there's the ability to be powered by hot flashes, letting you run to the curb to put out the garbage with no clothes on in the middle of winter.

The Boy who Loved Cucumbers a Little Too Much
Once upon a time there was a boy who looooooved cucumbers. He loved them sooooo much, he decided he was going to start his own cucumber confectionary company or CCC. There was just one problem. He didn't have enough money to start his CCC. But he was smart and soon came up with an idea for making the money he needed. I'm sure that Gary or Jen can tell you all about that...

Some people have questioned my sanity... Liking The Mole and all, instead of, say, Buffy. For the record, I don't HATE Buffy, but nor to I have any sense of allegiance to the show. Ours is an open relationship.

I wonder what it would be like to have wings instead of arms? It might be fun to fly, but finding clothes that fit or eating dinner must be a nightmare.

Rainbows of Love and Happiness! (only for those of questionable sanity)

Jim is SO the mole! I've known this from week one! It's so obvious! I don't get how the other three people in America actually watching the show haven't figured this out yet...

I thought it seemed odd that I got a phone from a little girl with a robotic voice threatening to break my kneecaps last night. Now I know why.

"In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings,
A land in turmoil cried out for a hero.....
She was Xena, a mighty Princess, forged in the heat of battle.....
The power, The passion, The danger....
Her courage will change the world...."

"She's a small wonder, pretty and bright with soft curls
She's a small wonder. a girl unlike other girls.
She's a miracle, and I grant you
She'll enchant you with her sight
She's a small wonder, and she'll make your heart beat twice.
She's fantastic, made of plastic,
Microchips here and there.
She's a small wonder, brings love and laughter everywhere. "

John: "OW! My face!"
Ted: "Ew! Get him off me! He smells!"

Remember, boys and girls that "penis" is not a four-letter word.

Lose weight, tastes great: one squirt for breakfast, one for lunch, and then a sensible dinner!

Looks like someone's been drinking the blood of an undead Barney...

There's Some Ho's In Dis House:
A place to discuss ho's, bitches, and your mom. Anybody want a peanut?

Do-do-do-do-do-do.....LOG rolls downstairs, rolls over in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog/ It's great for a snack, it fits on your back, it's log, log, log! It's lo-og, lo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood/ It's lo-og, lo-og, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! Everyone needs a log! Come on and get your log! It's log, LOG, log, LOG , LOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGG!!!

I wonder how many people are getting laid right now.... I can safely say I'm not one of them....

There's something horribly wrong with this world

Pooky, a story based on a conversation between Vic and Jen:

Once upon a time there was a man named Fred Flinstone. Not "Flintstone." That Fred liked to bowl and our Fred didn't. Ours preferred to play croquet. In fact, he liked it so much he even had a name for his very favorite mallet: Pooky. This embarrassed his family so much that his father, Fred Energizer, Sr.-- heir to the Energizer battery fortune-- made his son change his last name and left all his money to that stupid pink bunny upon his death, which is the real reason it keeps going and going, but we're not here to slander the bunny. Back to Fred and Pooky....

So, one day Fred was walking down the street with Pooky when he (that would be Pooky) saw a French hair salon. Well, Pooky didn't realize he didn't have any hair, and naive as he was, he wanted to go to the salon. Fred warned Pooky that going into the salon was probably a bad idea, but Pooky didn't want to listen, so they walked over. Now, the owner of the salon was a big French bigot, the ABSOLUTE WORST kind. It didn't particularly help that someone had stolen the French fry he kept up his ass. When he saw Fred and Pooky approaching the door, he stopped them and yelled in a French accent that I'm too lazy to try to describe, "Go away! We are not a unisex salon and we don't take YOUR KIND here. Go away bald, genderless mallet and friend!" Then he adjusted his beret and tromped back inside.

At this point, Pooky wanted to do what comes naturally to an angry croquet mallet and eat the owner of the salon, but Fred was perceptive enough to realize that THAT particular Frenchman was missing his French fry and so it wasn't worth the trouble. Instead, they went to a hardware store where they went shopping for a chainsaw. Pooky suggested the electric model, but they couldn't afford to buy the extension cords they'd need to span the distance between their apartment and the salon, and Fred REFUSED to use batteries on moral grounds. A few minutes of heated debate later, Pooky gave in and they walked out of the store with the slightly less environmentally-friendly gas powered model.

After a quick trip to the Shell station, Fred and Pooky returned to the bigoted Frenchman's non-unisex salon. There, they started to chase after him, but he proved to be faster than they had expected. In their blind rage, Fred and Pooky had forgotten that the Frenchman did not have a French fry up his ass and so that totally messed up their equations. Instead of killing him, they were only able to corner him into (what else?) a corner. Fred lunged at the Frenchman, and that was when the tragedy befell them. When Fred swung at the bigot, he ducked and the chainsaw's blade hit the wall. Fred lost control and, no really knows how or why, but Pooky was cut in half. Fred called 911 right away, but it was too late. By the time the paramedics arrived, Pooky was dead.

THE END

Moral of the story? Hate kills.

Jen: there's a haircolor called "Raven Sunset"... I must have it... it's burgundy-black and it's RAVEN!!
Jen: ::is searching eckerd.com for it::
Jen: wow... eckerd online sucks ass
Vic: "BEEP. You have 40 dyings left until baldness. BEEP."
Vic: "This has been a test of the Emergency Follicle Alert System"
Jen: I've only used the natural stuff... chemical exposure has been kept to a minimum... besides... my hair is so thick half of it could fall out and I wouldnt notice
Jen: WTF!?!?! Why does haircolor have spermicide in it!?!?
Vic: ROTFL!!!!! WHAT!!!!!
Vic: ::and the entire lab stares at vic::
Jen: "Ingredients, Developer: Water, Nonoxynol-9, Nonoxynol-4, Hydrogen Peroxide, Edta, Phosphoric Acid."
Vic: "The only hair color with real spermicide!"
Vic: AHHHH!!! LOL!!
Vic: imagine a TV ad for it! Or...
Vic: "Mr. Williams.... why are you dying my hair?" ..... "Shut up, Francine."

I love NPR. Just this weekend, I learned all about a study on what foods triggered arousal in men and women (I'm not making these up):

Men: Almost anything.
Women: Cucumbers and "Good and Plenty"

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! While most of the world is out spending innumerable amounts of money professing their love for one another (which if you really loved someone, you wouldn't wait around for one ridiculous holiday to say it but I digress), I find myself alone, at school, on a miserable, rainy Wednesday with a paper to write on therapeutic jurisprudence. Anyone up for a killing spree? My neighbor's dog (which has recently been possessed by a 3000-year-old demon) has been chatting with me lately about the positive sides of murder....

I hate you, blogger.

::stands in the middle of an empty city::
WHERE IS EVERYBODY!?!?
::funky Spanish music ensues::

Gary's Synopsis to the WB's Charmed:

Pru: I love you, my boyfriend.
Pru's Boyfriend: I love you too, Pru.
Demon arrives and causes general low level havoc like making husbands and wives not like each other.
Pru: Oh no! I have to go! Sorry about dinner!
Pru's Boyfriend: (to self) Gee, something just ain't right with that girl. Maybe she's a demon killing witch fighting for truth, love, and justice: The all around American Way. Nah...
Pru disappears, kills demon, and reappears to boyfriend.
Pru: I'm baaaack.
Pru's Boyfriend: You always leave when I'm about to screw you!
Pru: Ok, maybe next time!
Pru's Boyfriend: (frustrated) Whaaaaa!
THE END

"It looks so natural... No one can tell... JUST FOR MEN... gel!"

Jen, you realize that we've both bought a one way ticket to Hell by mocking something connected to Mr. Rogers, don't you?

"But Mr. Kim! It's so big! Won't I choke?"
"Don't be silly, Arthur! If Francine can do it, so can you! DO IT!"

"But... but Mr. Williams! I've never done that before! Isn't that a bad touch?"
"Well, it's not a bad touch if it feels oh-so-good, Francine."

okay... a type of metal... bronze? (ouch....) ::shrugs::

Was it metal? Metal catheters that is.....

chmod o-rx jensbrain.
There you go.

I apologize for the last post. UNIX is controlling my brain now... oh, what to do when an archaic operating system has brainwashed you... whatever shall I do!?!?!?

Maybe I will kill my shit-eared dog first.

You don't get a black cape and fangs, but you do get an uncanny urge to drink grape juice 18 hours a day-- an urge so strong that if you don't give in and have some, you go into a blind murderous rage and kill the first small, furry animal you see.

Well, if I kill the grape girl and eat her, will I become a vampiress too? Because I want to have fangs and prance around in black all day!!!

Have you ever noticed that the little girl in the Welches' grape juice commercials never changes? There's a new ad every six months or so, but it's ALWAYS the same little girl. And she never ages! You know what else never ages? Vampires. She's a vampire grape girl.

Glass for the bad Romans. Hollowed-out tapeworms for the good ones.

I've been told that if you lock a child in a closet, they taste like veal. Assuming this is true, Gary, is this because hormones released during hibernation have a veal-like flavor to them? Or does veal hibernate, unbeknownst to us?

What's the point to Millionaire: Rock Star Edition? Do I really need ABC to prove to me that these people are idiots?

The Cheap and Evil Girl -- Bree Sharp

A cheap and evil girl sets out on the city
She's moistened every curl, she's poisonously pretty
And the unsuspecting fool falls prey
As the dim detective's lead astray
And the genuflecting boys all say
The cheap and evil girl will get her way

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

The cheap and evil girl dances if you're worthy
She teases every twirl, she's deviously dirty
And you fantasize about the ample
Milky thighs you'd like to sample
Vocalize to her example -
Deep, illegal sighs - Oh! - it's a scandal

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

Into the club for a rub in the sauna
Strain through the steam, there's a shot, you're a goner
Cry as you die cause you know you still want her
She can hypnotize with her evil eyes

The cheap and evil girl wears you like a locket
She's polished every pearl then she put you in her pocket
And the undertaker hears the sounds
Of the dumb gumshoe making his rounds
Shaking all the wrong one's down
Cause the cheap and evil girl will not be found

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

yes, because I'm the undead.

I want mushrooms! I LOVE ME SOME SHROOMS!!!!!!!!

iMesh: Think Napster, but not restricted to just mp3s. Somewhat buggy when I tried it, but promising.

Why is there nothing on TV?!? Let's see... There's static, Meet the Press talking to basketball players, an infomercial for COPA, some money show, Moesha, Mary Poppins, a special on teenage spending habits with Doug E. Doug, static, soccer in Italian, static, computer ads, baseball in Spanish, something about the Dominican Republic (also in Spanish), Reporter's Roundtable, Reporter's Roundtable, Reporter's Roundtable, more Italian soccer, Treadmills from the Home Shopping Network, aw.. that's it.