Melissa: ugh this fucking hurricane better die
Jen: i can't wait til you move out of FL
Jen: so i can go back to rooting for the hurricane in the battle of hurricanes vs. the South

Dear moron,

Just because you are oblivious and missed your clearly marked highway exit does not mean you have license to drive across to grassy middle of the interchange. Please correct this problem immediately by driving yourself into a telephone pole.

Hugs 'n' kisses,

jen

They come from France

Once upon a time, in the not-so-olden days, I was going to college and taking an American Lit course ass-early in the morning two days a week. On the first day of class, my professor wanted to start things off with a reading of an Eskimo tale. In a sarcastic tone, she asked the class, "And we all know where Eskimos come from, right?"

One student, not realizing that the question was rhetorical, raised his hand. Before the professor could call on him, he blurted out, "France".

"What?" the professor asked, clearly about to go into shock. How do you get out of high school not knowing the answer to this question?

"Eskimos come from France," the student repeated. What was sad was his confidence regarding the correctness of his answer. As if we were the morons for not knowing Eskimos came from France.

My professor then politely attempted to give a short version of Eskimo history to this rube, and I will give her credit because she did not once have to stifle a laugh OR a scream of horror. I, however, went home and wept. I wept for one reason, and one reason only: in a year, I would be receiving my diploma alongside the very ass who insisted Eskimos came from France. That diploma would be absolutely meaningless. Apparently, they just give it to anyone who pays their tuition on time and shows up for class. Including those who believe Eskimos hail from France.

Vic: I want a William Shakespeare action figure.
Jen: only if I can have a Poe action figure :)
Vic: They sell them in that shop whose name I've forgotten across the street from Secret Stash :-P
Jen: awesome
Vic: lol. poe action figures :)
Vic: or a Jesus rubber duckie,
Jen: lol
Vic: Who wouldn't want to bathe with Jesus?
Vic: lol
Jen: LOL
Vic: ROTFL.... And then I started visualizing that....
Vic: "Why, Jesus... why are you cutting yourself with that razor blade?"... "So you can wash away your sins WITH MY BLOOD"
Jen: LOL EW
Vic: Or if you want to go porny....
Vic: "Jesus, why are you undoing your robe?" "Eat me!"
Vic: Aaaand, I'm going to hell. lol
Jen: LOL noooo

Vic: I know you like dogs, but I sooo can't imagine you with a god.
Vic: Er, DOG.
Gary: Yes, this is my pet god, scruffy
Gary: Say hi, Scruffy! Scruffy: *parts the sea*

Jen and Gary,
Sorry for the sudden change in template. Blogger demanded I update to "new Blogger" before posting and when I did, it killed the archive links from the old template. So... hideous new template!

After I complained about a lousy morning:

Larry: Aw boo. Well hey you could be watching the Price is Right in between replenishing electrolytes and yammying up yesterday's dinner. Or you could be a newborn giraffe. It could always be worse. :)
Larry: At least there's a cute boy in the showcase showdown.
Vic: LOL :-)
Vic: You mean playing it? Or as a prize?
Larry: Playing it. If they offered him as a prize, I'd have headed down to the Bob Barker Studios long ago.
Vic: "This twink and a year of styling products can be yours..... if the price is right!"
Larry: LOL yes!
Vic: I wonder who they're going to replace Bob with.
Larry: Maybe Ryan Seacrest will take over for Larry King AND Bob Barker. Because being on TV only 4 days a week isn't enough for him.
Vic: LOL!
Vic: I want to see the Ryan Seacrest/Barack Obama interview. Preferably followed by a game of Plinko.

Gary: filtered water is the best thing since sliced water
Gary: err....bread

Jen: there's this banging noise coming from right outside the balcony door...
Jen: first conclusion i reach is that serial killers (that obviously double as ninjas, or how else would they get to the 7th floor from outside?) are trying to break the door down to come in and rape and kill me
Jen: nevermind the strong wind banging the aluminum shovel against the side of the balcony
Vic: lol
Vic: the juxtaposition of ninjas and rape is hard to wrap my mind around
Jen: LOL.
Vic: they move so fast and silently you can't even tell you've been violated until it's too late... "what's that breeze?" whooosh... :P
Jen: LOL!!! how horrible

Larry: Hi :)
Vic: jowdy
Larry: Jowdy!
Vic: er, howdy
Larry: Jup, yo? :)

Jen: WTF??
Vic: ?
Jen: I just got a private message on my blog service from some random person:
Jen: hi jen, i know it might be ancient but i just have to say cinema paradiso always make me realise how important children are and how they can bring out so much in us..
Vic: ooook
Jen: oh wait
Jen: it's entitled "wake up call films"
Jen: or rather, that's the subject line
Jen: I get this...
Jen: this is another random fuck who sees me calling myself childfree and thinks he can convert me
Vic: :P
Vic: then i'd say they can bring out heartburn if not broiled at a hot enough temperature
Jen: LOL!

Five fabulous men I've chatted with online and hope to never run into in person:

• the graduate student who asked mid-chat, "A 'misogynist'? What's that?"
  
• the 48 year old man who-- 90 seconds after introducing himself-- wanted to meet in person to cuddle.
• the foot fetishist "in a monogamous relationship" who wanted to know how big my penis is.
• the guy who called me an asshole after I explained to him that I don't hook up with people I met online.
• the married bisexual who didn't think sleeping with men was cheating on his wife since the genders were different.

Vic: he lives
Gary: possibly
Vic: they don't have aim in the afterlife, silly (windows licensing issues)
Gary: LOL no wonder communications go way down once folks are dead
Gary: i don't suppose there are computers in heaven either
Vic: they do have internet access, but it's one cable node for the entire place, so it's reeeeeeally slow
Gary: LOL pff.. paradise schmaradise
Vic: well, they have lube fountains to compensate
Gary: God: Let there be lube fountains!
Vic: Pretty much. And then, hark! The hairy angels sang!
Gary: lol