My friend Rob upon making some bread in his newly acquired breadmaker:

Rob: it is not as sweet as I was expecting

Rob: but good

Rob: And BIG

Rob: sounds like my first blowjob

Vic: A Roman Catholic priest who used 1,000 helium balloons to try to break a flying record has gone missing off the southern coast of Brazil.

Vic: we're sending up priests in balloons now?

Gary: can you think of a better way to reach up to god?

Gary: prayer is a waste of time, BALLOONS are the answer

After watching Fiddler on the Roof on TV:

Gary: also, goddamit, tradition is in my head on a permanent loop

Vic: thanks. and now i've got it back in my head.

Vic: though, i can fix your problem... in 3..2..1...

Vic: ohhhhh, come on eileen...

Gary: LOL

Gary: Thank god for Eileen.

Vic: hehe

Gary: You know that head-on product, with the really annoying repeating commercials. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. That product is made 99.95% from Eileen.