Gary and Jen on Christmas
Gary: Happy Winter
Jen: Happy Festivus
Jen: whee... it's snowing here
Gary: really?
Gary: i'm too lazy to look out the window
Jen: LOL
Jen: *checks email*... oh... RimJob1779 is wishing me a horny christmas
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: The RimJob..he's so nice
Jen: LOL

Vic: *gets out the valium and wine*
Jen: LOL
Jen: why do most of my dates start like that?

Gary: whassup?
Vic: jen and i are playing with our webcams and talking about boys.
Gary: are you sipping over nescafe?
Vic: water here, and i have no idea what jen's having but it's probably as close to 200 proof as she can afford
Gary: LOL

Jen: Ed Norton is my new secret boyfriend
Jen: http://www.chesapeake.net/patpress/patpress%20images/amhistx.gif
Jen: he calls me 'reichsfuhrer' when we're in bed ::grin::
Vic: it just rolls off the tongue
Jen: LOL
Jen: "oh reichsfuhrer"
Vic: i think i'll take the pecs and everything below the waist
Vic: and the shirt, just for the hell of it
Jen: LOL what do you think this is, a buffet?
Vic: yes.
Jen: LOL

A continuation of the last post... Compare this with this... maybe the Disney Corp. is the continuation of the Third Reich after all.

How To Fuck Up A Serious Discussion In Under 30 Seconds

(Mark and Jen discuss the sinking of the German battleship Bismarck during WWII)
Mark: i wonder if one day, we'll all realize we can be doing better things than killing each other
Jen: never
Jen: humans are animals
Jen: fighting for power and control
Mark: yea
Jen: it will never end
Mark: but i've never seen a pack of giraffes run around blowing each other up
Jen: no
Jen: but you've seen zebras taken out by lions
Jen: the food chain
Jen: like germany invading poland
Mark: yes
Mark: lol
Jen: strong prey on the weak
Mark: Poles = zebras
Jen: LOL
Mark: i'll never think of Polacks the same way again
Jen: LOL a Polish zebra
Mark: dumb, AND striped
Mark: :-P
Jen: LOL!!!!
Mark: now if you can go paint swastikas on the lions...
Jen: LOL wow
Jen: LOL... figures a serious conversation about history and philosophy would be reduced to discussions of Nazi lions by us
Jen: maybe HITLER was really the king of the jungle
Mark: :-P
Mark: Herr Lion King
Mark: HEIL DISNEY!! *salutes*
Jen: fuck Simba.... Hitler was teaching lions to goosestep long before he was around
Jen: LOL
Mark: :-)
Mark: LOL
Mark: Dave Letterman: "Our guest tonight, Reichsfuhrer Jen, is a criminal specialist in the field of war criminals. She is here tonight to discuss her new book, Nazi Lions and Desert Foxes, a look at the sheer silliness of World War Two"
Jen: LOL!!!!

From an e-mail my friend Mark sent me:

Report: Boston Archdiocese prepares for bankruptcy
BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- Two lawyers negotiating on behalf of alleged clergy sexual abuse victims said they will walk away from settlement talks unless the Boston Archdiocese assures them it does not plan to file for bankruptcy.

from hobokencafe.com:
Well glory be...all them bumperstickers will have to be changed from: Jesus Saves. to: Jesus Overspent. In true budgetary cutback times: Miracles performed will be reduced by 75%. The aformentioned coming of the Lord will be done by tele-conference and The Holy Spirit will work part time at Disney World on the Haunted Log Flume
Ride.

Jen made me blog this...
Meli, upon reading the below: "You look pretty darn good for 200."

Vic: I was explaining to my brother how "Internet" wouldn't be in an unabridged dictionary because there wasn't an Internet 10 years ago (of course there was, but he's nine and technicalities don't count)....
Gary: LOL
Vic: His response was "Your times sucked!" like i was from the 1800's.
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: You should go back to dipping your candles and churning the butter. It's almost dusk and you'll need to get right to bed so you can wake up early and thresh the wheat.
Vic: ROTFL
Vic: I remember the afternoons that Ben Franklin and I would spend, sipping Nescafe, and inventing bifocal lenses.
Gary: ROFL!!
Gary: Who would've known? Ben drank Nescafe. That's like finding out Abraham Lincoln was a fan of Fig Newtons.
Vic: *snickers*

Jen: my psych teacher gave us this link to an NYU medical school site... it has a test on it for various types of personality disorders... she encouraged us all to try it because in her words, "it's reputable"...
Jen: I tested positive for five separate personality disorders. :P
Gary: LOL!!! congrats, always knew you were special
Jen: LOL!!!

Vic: lol... craig kilborn is interviewing kermit the frog
Jen: LOL. and then the earth exploded into flames.
Vic: ROTFL!!!
Vic: *convulses*
Vic: that was perfect.
Jen: whoo!

Jen: (quoting an Alice in Chains song) "like the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you, hell within..."
Meli: that's how i feel when i'm constipated
Jen: LOL
Jen: OMG BITCH YOU MADE ME FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR WITH THAT! LOL!
Meli: AGAIN? DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET A BIGGER CHAIR!
Jen: LOL!

Jen: Why am I showing Vic a picture of my shoes?
Gary: Because he's gay and you're fabulous?
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL wow
Gary: LOL :)

Why Jen Sucks At Dating
Jen: ok so then i'm sitting in psych class...
Jen: now our classroom is right near the courtyard so i glance out the window and notice some guys from my law class standing there..
Jen: then i see what looked like some police academy recruits there...
Mark: ... and the deer from Rt. 22!
Jen: then in the fucking middle of them is a Marine in dress blues and I'm like WTF.... why are all the cast members of my orgy fantasy standing outside my classroom?...
Jen: so apparently the Marines are on campus recruiting today :-)
Mark: :-)
Mark: are ya gonna go slut it up?
Jen: lol
Jen: nah
Jen: I'm not dressed to
Jen: i have on old faded frayed jeans and a big black hooded sweatshirt
Mark: i didnt want to type that at first but once i started i had to finish
Mark: "hey big boy... feel like aiming high, hmm?"
Mark: "ma'am, we're marines... thats the air force."
Mark: "whatever"
Jen: LOL!
Mark: "we're looking for a few good men..."
Mark: "really? me too... and i think i found them. rowr."
Jen: LOL
Mark: "ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to back away and stop swiping the free stickers."
Mark: "damn."
Jen: LOL

This was actually supposed to be posted yesterday...

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Gary, happy birthday to you!!

Now can we get drunk?

Nonsensical Ravings of Two Lunatics

Meli: yes pinky
Jen: LOL
Jen: GNARF!
Meli: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meli: Jen not even trying hard
Jen: LOL!!
Meli: then we will take over the world!
Jen: LOL yes
Jen: god i have the sudden urge to watch George of the Jungle
Meli: mmmmmmmmmmmmm YES WAITER
Meli: I'll take the after shower scene with a side of George not even trying hard
Jen: LOL!!!!
Jen: that is SO going on your tombstone
Meli: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Meli: Only you could make George of the Jungle a sacred movie amongst our people
Jen: LOL!!!
Jen: "George of the Jungle" and "Sacred Movie" dont belong in the same sentence! LOL!
Meli: PRECISELY!

Technology Love
Jen: LOL... is it wrong that I greeted my computer tonight by stroking it lovingly and whispering, "hey baby"?
Gary: LOL...I do that with my car.. A lot in the beginning..now I just surprise it on anniverseries

Mark: SHOVEL JUSTICE!!
Jen: LOL
Jen: Love me some shovel :-D
Mark: LOL
Mark: i love when you talk like that
Mark: i dont know why
Jen: LOL thanks i think
Mark: but i picture a drunk muppet
Mark: like cookie monster with a bottle of malt liquor
Jen: LMAO
Mark: "LAA LAA LAA, LOVE ME SOME COOKIE, LA LA L-"[passes out]

Vic: fox news story:
Vic: apparently, there's a new dating service called "Thera-Date" where therapists can match patients with their perfect matches... it's only for people in therapy.
Jen: woooow
Vic: because there's nothing sexier than damaged goods. lol.
Jen: LOL!!

Jen: ooh... i got junk mail from Kelly Clarkson (the winner of "American Idol")... she wants to make my dick bigger
Vic: LMFAO!
Vic: BLOG THAT!

Vic: i'm still on that boy scout merit badge page...
Gary: lol
Vic: and clearly i'm getting tired...
Vic: because for a second, i could have sworn there was a merit badge for fisting
Gary: *spits up his soda*
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: Pantomime ONE of the following: An adult male fisting another male lubed with crisco....

(Jen describes the abdominal "shooting" pains she's having as a comet)
Jen: >.<
Jen: the comet just passed
Gary: maybe it wants to be named
Jen: hale-bopp?
Gary: LOL
Jen: LOL Hale-Bopp, the gastrointestinal comet of death
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: I forgot all about hale bopp and that cult deal a few years back
Jen: LOL Heaven's Gate
Jen: those crazy fuckers
Gary: what an awful name for their comet too...
Gary: they might as well have named it 'mr. fuzzy'
Jen: LOL
Jen: or "MMM-Bop"
Gary: LOL!
Jen: LOL what if it was a singing comet?
Jen: everytime it passes by...
Jen: "MMM BOP BOP BOP DO WOP DIBBY WOP WOP DOO WOP"
Gary: LOL..groan... a good 500 people would die...either from hating the song itself, or from going into a homicidal rage at hearing it.
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL OW my stomach oh god
Gary: awww
Gary: you've angered the comet
Jen: LOL

Gary: rarr
Jen: i hate my computer
Jen: also, my room smells like hot dogs
Jen: and I havent had hot dogs in a looooong time
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: grrreat
Jen: christ of all things to smell like, why did my room pick hot dogs??
Gary: LOL!!!
Jen: it smells like the garlicky Nathan's kind, too, not Oscar Mayer or something of that nature
Jen: It's very sad that I can identify hot dog brands by smell
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: What an awful awful super power
Jen: LOL!!!!!
Jen: oh christ
Jen: what if that's my true calling in life?
Jen: Hot Dog Sniffer
Gary: ROFL!!!!
Gary: wooooooooooow
Jen: LOL wow

Vic and Jen mocking that stupid Yoplait commercial
Jen: "Satan: He is SOOO good"
Vic: "He's 'I just had my left testicle bit off by a pit bull' good"

What happens when Charlton Heston talks to Ronald Reagan
(I *heart* O&A and Foundry Music)

::jen watches TV while talking to Mark::
Jen: WTF!
Jen: since when do they allow rape scenes on broadcast TV????
Jen: wow
Jen: ohoh, did you see i redid my site yet again?
Mark: *rolls eyes*
Mark: i don't know how rape scenes remind you of your website but hey
Mark: *shrug*
Jen: LOL! so wrong

Finally, a job that I could & would LOVE to do:
Wanted: Professional Hermit for Cave-Dwelling Duty

Gary on the anime "La Blue Girl":
"The scene where Mino Miko or whatever the hell her name is, the female ninja hero, uses her super secret sexcraft skill to engorge her clitoris and use it to fuck a hermaphrodite into cumming first so that she 'wins', just blew my mind."

There's a hair on the soap, and it's short and it's curly, there's a hair on the soap and I don't think it's miiiiiiiiiiiine

I want to live here. Or here. Although, any house on a cliff near water that isolates me from the world will do.

Jen: i used to do that when I was about 13-14... my mom would be driving my brothers and me home from school... there would be kids all over.... I just used to yell out the window "Vote for me!" then wave and grin at them
Gary: LOL!!
Jen: LOL I think i was a retarded kangaroo in my former life
Gary: vote for you? vote for you for what?
Gary: LOL!!!!
Gary: wow....
Jen: ow... LOL... my stomach hurts now from all the laughing
Gary: I wonder if the whole reincarnation thing is limited to our planet only.. Like...maybe I'm the reincarnation of MeepZorcZoo from Sigma9.
Jen: ROTFL
Gary: LOL...yaknow..the whole reincarnation thing...it'd HAVE to work with other planets too..cause I mean...what happens if like..an astronaut wanders too far from earth and dies in space.. is god like..OOPS..sorry...he's over the fence where the scary neighbor lives... I'M not getting him..they've got a big dog.
Jen: LOL!!
Jen: wow
Jen: I was either a retarded kangaroo or a Nazi SS officer or both in my former life(ves)
Gary: LOL....apparently a nazi and a retarded kangaroo are morally equal then
Jen: LOL
Gary: *pictures a) a kangaroo herding rabbits into a detention camp and b) a nazi hopping around with a little nazi in his front pouch*
Jen: oh.my.god.
Jen: omg
Jen: i cant breathe
Gary: LOL!!
Jen: oh god i think I'm gonna throw up
Jen: ROTFL wow
Gary: LOL!! Yay!!!

Jen: oh so I washed my car this morning, and I happened to be next to the fence while doing so...
Gary: ok...
Jen: I'm mad all six of my neighbor's goats and their dog too came over to watch me for an hour and a half while I cleaned and washed the tank
Gary: LOL
Jen: the baby goats are SOOOOOOO cute
Jen: except the one that tried to eat my finger
Jen: she bit me, not hard enough to break the skin, but it still hurt
Gary: it's only to be expected. it's things like that that make pets not eat us. they see you producing water magically from a long green snake to tame the giant sudsing metal beast
Jen: ROTFL!!!!!!!!!
Jen: oh. my. god.
Jen: i convulsed so hard that I fell out of my chair and somehow flipped the chair over on top of me
Gary: LOL!!!
Gary: 'when chairs attack'
Jen: ROTFL... that's going to have to be blogged
Jen: LOL!!

Jen: ok note to self: dont keep flag stickers next to flag stamps
Gary: are you decorating your mail with stickers again?
Jen: only by accident
Gary: LOL The post office: "Hmm...either she's very patriotic...or she can't read."
Jen: LOL
Jen: WTF!!
Gary: ??
Gary: did you do it again? :P
Jen: I just wrote my DOB on the check I'm making out instead of today's date
Gary: LOL!!!
Jen: groan i think i inhaled too much car wax fumes
Gary: The post office: "She either very patriotic..or very dumb." LOL j/k
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL read that sentence
Jen: it's missing a verb, which makes it all the more funnier
Gary: LOL
Gary: post office: "Girl dumb, hunt beast now."

Not that anyone else in America cares but I'd just like to record my opinion of what's going to happen on The Mole 2 somewhere where I can prove I said this before the end... Bill's the mole and Dorothy is going to win (though I'm rooting for Heather). Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

This week on "Wait, Wait.. Don't Tell Me":
Utah Senator and professional songwriter Orrin Hatch: "I'm a big athletic supporter... er, maybe I should rephrase that."

Gary: *orders china*
Gary: err...chinese
Vic: LOL
Gary: LOL..now I wanna buy a country
Vic: LOL. and i want to buy dishes
Gary: KIK!!
Gary: errr..LOL Damn ergonomic keyboard

So apparently tonight the police academy that trains at my school was the subject of a one hour long Court TV program called "The Elite". Of course. Something totally cool about something so close to home for me and I don't even get Court TV. Figures.

My favorite "This American Life" moment:
In an episode focusing on sissies, host Ira Glass starts discussing the role of gay men in World War II:
Ira: "And then there were the famous gay battalions"
Other person: "Exactly..."
Ira: "...that went into France first"
Other guy (chuckling): "No..."
At this point and from here forward, giggles ensue...
Ira: "Because they were the only one who could speak French... the famous gay battalions!!... ... ... And the gay battalions!!"
Other guy: "And they raided the lingerie shops... and redesigned the clothes... just redecorated the whole place so the Germans didn't want it anymore because it was just too fluffy.... .... .... [in a German accent] We von't be staying here... It's var too fluffy!"

Jen: this bothers me:
Jen: "I owe a lot of my life to a certain someone. He's been there for my for quite awhile now and I appreciate it. Yes, I am taken. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. Sooo, go suck your own dick because my mouth is rather occupied."
Vic: LOL!!
Vic: OMFG!
Jen: it just makes the SLUT alarm go off in my head :P
Vic: that just... bothers me
Vic: yeah
Jen: sadly, she's only a 16 year old slut *shakes head*
Vic: :smirk: slut - noun. anyone having more sex than you.
Jen: LOL. I think that's everyone except the trees in my yard
Jen: no wait, they're probably pollenating
Vic: lmao
Vic: aww
Vic: in jen's yard: "ooh... yeah, baby... rub that pistil on my stamen... mmmm"
Jen: LOL!!!!
Jen: we are SUCH GEEKS
Jen: you realize that, right?
Vic: LOL :-D
Jen: only we would laugh at a joke involving the reproductive anatomy of plantlife
Vic: lmao. good point.
Jen: LOL. and this is probably why everyone else on the planet is having more sex than me.
Jen: I talk about plant sex.
Jen: *beats head against desk*
Vic: don't the words "pistil" and "stamen" sound so dirty when you think about it?
Vic: LOL. aww

Meli: ACK it's the emporer
Meli: emporer????????????
Jen: LOL!!
Meli: emperor
Meli: HUR EMPORER HE who is the lord of all pores
Later...
Meli: UGH WHY IS NICOLE KIDMAN MOLESTING CHILDREN IN HER HOME?
Jen: LOL
Meli: omg she's like fucking a teenage boy who has a crush on her
Meli: i'm watching To Die For from like the middle and shit
Jen: let me know if it's worth wathcing
Jen: wathcing??
Meli: i'll let you know if it's worth it
Meli: as soon as you telling me what 'wathcing' is
Meli: perhaps the emporer knows

Clowns

Jen: hmm.... i wonder if i should have a birthday party this year
Gary: no clowns :P
Jen: LOL no... the only good clown is a dead clown
Gary: LOL
Gary: you could have a game along the lines of 'kill the clown'
Jen: LMAO
Gary: it'd be like pin the tail on the donkey...just instead of the donkey..it'd be a clown..and instead of the tail and pin..it'd be a steak knife...or blow torch..or chain saw...or scm (surface to clown missile)
Jen: LOL!!
Jen: I wonder if the Department of Defense knows about SCM's
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: I hear they're only secretly produced by the ringling brothers, so probably not
Jen: Maybe they smuggle them into the country inside the elephants
Gary: LOL
Jen: OMG
Jen: what if ringling brothers are the REAL terrorists?
Gary: LOL!!
Jen: wait, they're only killing clowns... so that's ok
Gary: yah, those painted on sad faces aren't fooling anyone :P
Jen: LOL
Jen: this soooo needs to be blogged
Gary: LOL :P

Drunk

Jen: i want to die
Jen: or get more alcohol at least... ugh i feel so blah
Gary: i wouldn't mind a drink right about now
Jen: bacardi silver is so yum
Gary: hehe
Jen: LOL... did the word "arugla" ever strike you as funny?
Gary: hrm..i could really go for something alcoholey right now
Gary: guessin you're drunk now ;P
Jen: LOL maybe just a litttttle
Jen: i'm not really drunk until i lose the power to spell

Calico kitties and uncovered titties/Abortion clinics in large Northern cities/Flagrant butt pirates all wearing cock rings/These are John Ashcroft's least favorite things....
--some guy's profile on salon.com

Jen: did i ever show you the proof that Ozzy Osbourne is my real dad?
Gary: don't think so
Jen: compare this to this
Gary: LOL
Gary: you need a hobby

While watching Nightline
Ted [to person he's interviewing]: "Well, how does one become gay?"
Me [at the screen]: "Well, I'm glad you asked, Ted. First, you fill out the application and send it in along with an essay and the $50 application fee. If you're accepted, you go to gay boot camp for three weeks where you learn how to put together a matching outfit and the difference between off-white, peach, and creme. Then, after the six month probationary period, you're officially gay."

While Watching David Blaine's Vertigo
Vic: geez. david blaine... just jump already... and do me favor and miss the boxes!
Gary: how exactly is that magic again?
Vic: it's magic that anyone cares
Gary: LOL ah

RIP William Fishie
05/11/02 - 05/17/02
:( sigh.

You know I couldn't resist posting this

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it - New York, New York
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York

I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - New York, New York

New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
To find I'm a number one, head of the list,
Cream of the crop at the top of the heap.

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere
It's up to you - New York, New York

"As Dr. Phil says, a friend is not someone who asks you to stick his penis in your mouth."

This is why I love listening to Opie & Anthony. You never know what's going to happen... HOAX-LEERY COPS PROBE RADIO CALL-IN SLAY CONFESS

Jen talking about her new pets
Jen: so I cleaned the bowl last night... this time I put some pebbles at the bottom... but they still look so bored
Jen: I have an aquarium in the basement but I dont have anywhere in my room to put it
Gary: well, how exciting would it be to live in a goddam BOWL
Gary: there aren't even any corners to relax in
Jen: sometimes they swim along the bottom sucking bubbles off the rocks
Gary: my brother used to do that

According to "Access Hollywood", Ally McBeal is the symbol for the modern American woman. If this is the case, I am now declaring myself a man.

Paul: GOD...
Paul: you're so right.
Paul: Big Money messes up your arm.
Vic: LOL! toldja!
Paul: But it's so fun!
Vic: so are most drugs. your point?
Paul: Games are my anti-drug
Vic: LMAO
Paul: what's yours?
Paul: :D
Vic: masturbation
Paul: Sweet.

Vic and Gary discussing possible things to do on an NYC trip
Vic: how do you feel about seeing the vagina monologues if tkts has tickets?
Gary: i'm not sure i wanna sit down for x number of minutes to listen to someone explain the humorous intricacies of their pooky
Vic: how about the naked boys?
Gary: i don't mind their pookies

Vic and Jen discussing a possible day trip to NYC
Vic: BZZT!
Vic: damnit
Jen: rarr?
Vic: i'm on a tourism site...
Vic: that just reminded me that fleet week is at the end of the month
Vic: lol
Vic: sailor... tasty sailor
Jen: mmmmmmmmmmm
Vic: why couldn't it be sooner. then we'd totally have something to do :-)
Jen: -something + someone
Vic: LOL

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Vic: ::dies now::
Jen: aww why?
Vic: no reason
Jen: ::dies with you::
Vic: yay
Vic: we'll be evil ED (think Viagra :P) demons
Jen: ROTFL!
Vic: LOL :-)
Vic: "BOO!" "AHH!" making men flaccid everywhere. ::snickers::
Jen: LMAO
Vic: or better yet....
Vic: we'll seduce men into cheating on their {girl/boy} friends and that's how they become impotent. that way we're the ED demons of justice. and we get to get off
Jen: ROTFL
Jen: I want to blog this
Vic: WHOO!!!
Vic: :-)

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole

I knew it.

Vic: i start a quick game of nethack, go literally 3 steps before i get this: "A little dart shoots out. You are hit by a dart. The dart was poisoned. The poison was deadly..." game over :P
Gary: mahehe
Gary: -ma
Vic: lol! mahehe :P
Vic: and gary turns into a dolphin :P
Gary: LO
Gary: +L
Gary: dammi
Gary: +t dammit!
Gary: ROTFL!!!!
Gary: +!!!
Vic: LMFAO!!!!

The muffin tree said nothing as it was a tree and trees don't talk.

kill me now

It's April. In New Jersey. The normal temperature should hover somewhere in the 60s. Last week, it was in the 90s for 4 days, almost breaking 100 at one point. Today, it was 38 degrees. Tomorrow, the low will be in the 20s. There is a chance of wintry weather this week. People were SWIMMING in the lake by my house five days ago. WTF, I ask. WTF?

Poetry Analysis with Vic & Jen

Jen: i'm debating on whether or not to pay $300 to have my car's freon-based AC charged on a cooling system that I'm not even sure works right or works without draining the battery/wreaking other electrical havoc
Jen: who was that poet that wrote like a retard? Getrude Stein?
Vic: LOL
Vic: um, no idea
Jen: maybe I should write stupid babble and I too can be published, rich, and famous
Jen: and have a new car
Vic: emily dickinson sounded pretty retarded
Jen: LOL. but she was a fun psychotic
Jen: Getrude Stein wrote stuff that sounded like something a 4 year old would say
Vic: lol
Jen: I love my love with a v
Because it is like that
I love my love with a b
Because I am beside that
A king.
I love my love with an a
Because she is a queen
I love my love and a a is the best of them
Think well and be a king,
Think more and think again
I love my love with a dress and a hat
I love my love and not with this or with that
I love my love with a y because she is my bride
I love her with a d because she is my love beside
Thank you for being there
Nobody has to care
Thank you for being here
Because you are not there.
Vic: ....vbayd?
Jen: see what I mean?
Jen: you too can write nonsensical BS and be considered a great poet :P
Vic: OMG! LMAO!
Vic: that was gertrude stein?!?
Jen: LOL yes
Vic: LMAO!!!
Vic: WOW
Vic: i though you might have gotten that off some idiotic preteen's site
Jen: I remember sitting in AP English, reading one of her poems, and going, "This sucks.... my 3 year old cousin can TALK better than this."
Jen: THIS is an acclaimed poem
Jen: Do you really think I would yes I would and
I do love all you with all me.
Do you really think I could, yes I could
yes I would love all you with all me.
Do you really think I should yes I should
love all you with all me yes I should
yes I could yes I would.
Do you really think I do love all you
with all me yes I do love all you with all
me And bless my baby.
Jen: >,<
Vic: LMAO... i didn't know gertrude stein wrote r&b lyrics.
Jen: ROTFL

Jen: why is Patti Labelle doing a commercial for hormone replacement therapy?
Vic: lol
Vic: is she a hormone?
Jen: LOL!!
Vic: patti labelle: triggers ovulation
Jen: LOL! my brain wants to picture that, but it cant
Vic: LOL :-)
Jen: LOL, ow, it actually hurts
Vic: LOL
Vic: well, of COURSE it hurts... i'd hurt too if patti labelle triggered ovulation
Jen: LMAO
Vic: lol... this is how i imagine the patti labelle hormone working....
Vic: you know that little hammer the doctor bangs your knee with to trigger reflexes? well....
Vic: i imagine a tiny patti labelle sitting on an ovary, listening with a stethoscope and banging softly with that little hammer going "time to come out, girls!"
Jen: .....................................................................
Jen: .....................................................................
Jen: ::explodes::
Jen: ROTFLMMFAO
Vic: ROTFL!!!! YAY!!!!
Jen: I just spit pepsi ALL OVER my monitor
Vic: YAY!!!!
Vic: WHOOO!!!!
Jen: LOL
Jen: great...
Jen: now when I try to sleep tonight, I'll be picturing that
Vic: LOL!!!

It's 2 am and he starts another fight
Walk him to the door and give a kiss goodnite
It's time for a change if you get too deep
Stop by my shop cause I work cheap

I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
Come on

Now you don't wanna hurt him and I agree
If he knew what we were doing - he'd be hurtin' me!
Gotta work an engine cause the warranty fades
Under your hood I'm a jack of all trades!

I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
Come on
Fix it fix it fix it right!
Fix it fix it fix it all night!
Now fix this

Find that switch - bring you to tears
I'm the head technician when it comes to greasing gears
Now you can tell him a thing or two
How Mr. Goodwrench on the workbench was fixin' you!

I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
I'm Mr. Fix It! It feels good! Fixin' all the girls in the neighborhood!
Come on

Fix it fix it fix it right!
Fix it fix it fix it all night!
Fix it fix it fix it right!
Fix it fix it fix it all night!
I'm Mr. Fix It…it feels good!

hmm.... to watch the hot CIA guy on "The American Embassy", or Jim Norton of O&A fame on "The Colin Quinn Show"? Damn TV schedule.

Jen: an interview with a woman who as a teenage girl was a penpal to the confessed Boston Strangler while he was in jail....
Jen:
Vivian Wyatt: “I always did things to please my parents. This was just the first time I remember really rebelling and really sticking to my guns about it.”
Mankiewicz: “Most kids rebel by talking back to their parents, cutting school, staying out all night. Not really by writing to serial killers.”
Wyatt: “I know, but I’m not like most kids.”
Vic: LOL
Jen: I bet she's my real mommy
Vic: is your name really viv...LOL
Vic: that works too
Jen: LOL
Vic: LMAO.. "mommy"
Vic: notch
Jen: LOL!

Jen: ::hears thunder::
Jen: either that or bigfoot is in my backyard
Vic: oh....
Vic: i'm sorry...
Vic: ::stops masturbating::
Vic: that better?
Jen: ROTFLMMFAO

Hitler's Secret Pirate Fleet
"ARGH SIEG HEIL!"

I wish I was a Glow Worm
A Glow Worm's never glum
'Cause how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines on your bum?

The Medieval Gallery, now featuring Ye Olde Tote...
"Tote bags, just like back in medieval times!"

Vic, at the sex toy shop: "18 inches!?!?!? Who needs all that??"

Jen: "you know.... street lamps... lampposts... street lights.."
Gary: "GLOOOOOWBALLS..."

"Hey, if I'm buying something at the bookstore, I can sit there and read all I want. Hell, I can masturbate between the stacks if I want..."

Jen: "Vic is Christ! You turned water into wine... Or was it wine to water? Or maybe it was bread to wine..."
Gary: "Great. Now we're going to starve. Thanks, Vic."

Vic to Gary (upon entering Claire's): "I think the maximum penis quotient of this store was just exceeded by two."
Gary to Vic: "Back away slowly."

The Story of H
"Damn that H. Where is he?!? I'm going to call him! Hhhhhhhh!!! Hhhhhhhhhhh!! Hhhhhhhhh!"

Dead: The state of not being alive.
Blood: A red bodily fluid.
Red: The color of blood.
Tube: A cylindrical shape.
Ice: Crystallized water.

"This isn't a library, you know..."
"Oh, OK. Let me just go stick this book up my ass... SQUEEZE!"

"Do you remember Glow Worm? It was a worm... it glowed..."

From a conversation with Gary:
"Is your computer mouse sluggish..slow to respond...just doesn't have the kick it used to when the computer was new... Well, try new mouse lube... I tried mouse lube and it just made my mouse gliiiiiiiiide across the pad, just like magic!"

If we're gonna be linking to Joe Phillips cartoons, then this is my contribution.

What really goes on in the military

Jen: ...the books i use for homework this semester
Vic: LOL... criminalistics? is that by l. ron hubbard?
Jen: LOL!!
Vic: "serial murders and their victims: a scrapbook"
Jen: ROTFL
Vic: "serial murders and their victims: a coloring book"
Jen: You, my friend, are in rare form tonight
Jen: ROTFL!!!
Vic: "serial murders and their victims: an activity guide".....
Jen: LOL!! ::feels her internal organs shifting::
Vic: "jeffrey dahmer is chasing you through the maze! can you find a path from 'start' to 'finish' that passes through the three dismembered limbs in trash bags without doubling back? answers, page 34"
Jen: ROTFLMMFAO
Vic: "john wayne gacy is going to a birthday party! can you find the 'funny nose', 'big shoes', 'clown makeup' and the other 17 phrases he's hidden in this word search? answers, page 35"
Jen: ...........................................................................
Jen: ::just hit the floor::
Vic: ROTFL!!!!
Vic: YAY!

Vic: and in my software engineering class (i.e. how to a group project 101 for programmers), my partners haven't been to class in a week
Vic: i have this frightened feeling that they both dropped the course
Jen: ugh
Vic: LOL. it's what i would have done if it wasn't for the fact that would drop me to 11 credits, .5 less than the required minimum per semester at rutgers college.
Jen: can't you take some silly class, like Pretending You're A Tree class?
Vic: LOL
Jen: "Today we're going to be evergreens, class."
Vic: ROTFL!
Jen: "Did everyone bring their pine-scented airfresheners?"
Vic: "Damn... Jen, did you take notes on the oak lecture?"
Jen: LMAO
Vic: "Rustle, class!! I don't see enough rustling!!"
Jen: LOL!!!!!!
Jen: "Alright.... who brought the lit cigarette into class? Don't you know? Only YOU can prevent forest fires!"
Vic: LOL!!!!
Vic: "Pop Quiz! What is the best thing about trees?"
Vic: "they're tall?"
Vic: prof: "No, I'm sorry... I was looking for leafy. Good guess, though!"
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL :: pictures Pretending You're A Tree class's version of school shootings ::
Vic: ROTFL!
Vic: this should be good.
Jen: someone walks in with a chainsaw
Jen: ::grin::
Vic: LOL!
Jen: "This is for every sapling that was ever made fun of by you stupid Redwoods!"
Vic: OMG! BRANCHES EVERYWHERE! OH, THE HUMANITY... er... treeosity!

Meli: Ow my pussy
Jen: LOL dont ask me why but you know how people put frozen steaks on their eyes when they get punched? I just pictured you holding a frozen steak in your lap.

Jen pretends to choke and die, then Vic insists that she haunt some people for him. Then Jen's brain somehow instantly dreams up the following sequence of events...

Jen: we made a pact that the one of us with the best chance for happiness would live and the other one would die and become a ghost to help the other person, so I killed myself and haunted people for you, whether it be to find an exam answer key, haunt cute boys and report back to you, cause mischief (like tipping over potted plants) or help you out with sticky situations (like change red traffic lights to green when you're late for school).... LOL, then some hollywood producer finds out about us and makes a TV show about us starring ourselves... I'm translucent and you're you... our theme song is some goofy 70s song and a shot of us walking arm&arm into the sunset. LOL .... then some lawyers for the creator of Casper come and sue us.... we go to trial but my wacky courtroom antics amuse everyone so much that the Casper people and the judge decide they love us too much to sue.

Happy Birthday, Dear Blog...
Happy Birthday, Dear Blog...
Happy Birthday, Dear Blo-og...
Happy Birthday to you!

Hey, it's midnight! What do you want!??! :P

Meli: OMG Have you seen the new Downy commercial??
Jen: nope
Meli: "Downy, it touches more than clothes"
Meli: Why is Downy doing this and where can I find a good lawyer??
Jen: LMAO!!!

Vic: "PHNOM PENH (Reuters) - More than 400 Cambodians were left homeless when a roasted cat caught fire, sending flames shooting through a village of wooden shacks, police said Thursday."
Jen: O.O
Vic: it's really tragic, but at the same time i find myself trying to stifle a giggle.
Jen: funny, I feel the same way about the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial that's airing now
Vic: LOL

Jen: heh, dont worry, he will NEVER win
Meli: yes
Meli: because if he does
Meli: I'll have to
Meli: do things to your skins
Jen: if he does, I'll slit my wrists
Jen: LOL
Meli: gawdamn these greedy ppl on kazaa
Meli: they fucking suck
Jen: yes they do
Meli: they never want you taking their shit
Meli: and it's like you take shit from ppl too fuckerpeckerassholedickweed
Meli: oooh that's your stalker's new name
Meli: fuckerpeckerassholedickweed
Jen: I really want him to go away
Meli: yeah
Meli: me too
Jen: so I have less distractions
Meli: but of course dear this is life
Meli: and if it were easy it would be boring
Meli: and ppl would kill themselves far more easier
Meli: and it wouldn't be so overpopulated
Jen: I wonder how many pins I'll have to stick in the voodoo doll to make him go away
Meli: cuz all the ppl who would be alive would be the ppl who would commit suicide because life is too hard
Jen: you know, after I send a horse's head covered in suspicious white powder to Orca (what I call Oprah after I learned she bought exclusive rights to Xena and is going to deprive me of my reruns), perhaps I shall send one to everyone else I dont like.
Meli: oooh ooh
Meli: send one to india (an evil person, not the country) for me
Jen: LOL ok
Meli: you should be 1800horseheads
Jen: still havent seen that horsebeast around school
Meli: LMAO
Meli: Hi I'm Jen, the founder of 1800horseheads
Jen: LOL
Meli: I can make you any arrangement involving a horse's head
Jen: LOL!
Meli: Anthrax, dead fish, black roses even.
Jen: specializing in Mafia funerals
Meli: Send one to your enemies today!
Meli: You can also order conveniently over the phone and online!
Meli: 1800horseheads.com!
Jen: LOL
Meli: Remember, if it's not from 1800horseheads, it don't say "I WANT YOU DEAD!"
Jen: LMAO
Jen: LOL, I just saved this convo as "1800horseheads.htm"
Meli: LoL I JUST DID THE EXACT SAME THING
Meli: Then something told me NOT to call it 1800horseheads!!!!
Jen: So I called it Meli&Jennie LMAO
Jen: LOL

Conversation with Josh this morning or late last night... whatever :) :

Josh: There were 3 deer on my lawn tonight. They'd walked across the (really big) lake on the ice from the woods and found themselves stranded in urban jungle (+an). My friends and I scared them off in the right direction (back toward the lake). But knowing my luck they probably came back and got run over or something.
Vic: aww
Josh: It was crazy. I got a pic and am gonna try to get it in a local paper.
Josh: i've had good luck with that sort of thing
Josh: ever since penthouse took my pics of your mom.
Vic: "local fag saves deer"
Josh: "local fag sends mail bomb to jersey fag"
Josh: (note to FBI: that was a joke)
Vic: "jersey fag haunts local fag in ghost form"
Josh: Madison, WI (AP) ....but he failed to be creative in his haunting, opting instead for the tried and true haunting techniques which, though not artistically offensive, lacked the necessary creativity and originality to allow this ghost-haunting reviewer to give this ghost more than a B-.
Vic: LOL. ::nearly falls out of his chair::
Josh: oh yeah! Whose yer daddy.
Josh: "you are, Joshy! You are."
Vic: LOL

::Vic discusses the episode of Seventh Heaven that he is watching::
Vic: GROAN. the camdens are sharing their feelings about religious intolerance a la afterschool special... they're acting as if this is so unusual. :P
Jen: how can you watch that show without punching the TV?
Vic: ::drinks a morphine cocktail::
Vic: that's how
Jen: LOL

Jen and her friend Mark discussing the level of stupidity among world population
Mark: wow... i had 2 thoughts, almost at the same time, one only slightly after the other
Mark: the second one, being shorter and easier to express, is that i am a nazi
Mark: the first - which leads to the second - is that I want to find a way to convert stupid people into fuel
Jen: LOL!

Jen: (discussing the class "serial killers" which she is taking this semester) LOL.... i wish my parents would ask me what I learned in school today so I could tell them that I learned all the similarities and differences between Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, and Ted Bundy today
Gary: you're a sick sick girl :P

Why is this news????????????????????????????
Fashion Giant Armani Says He's Sick of Luxury

And now for today's factoid of the day:
The lead singer of the band Filter (a band which has had a few songs on various X-Files soundtracks) is Richard Patrick.... brother to Robert Patrick, the actor who plays Agent John Doggett on X-Files.

Gary and Vic while trying to scarf down barely edible Burger King food tonight:

Gary: "You have to eat at least half or they win!!!"
Vic: "Oh, gawd. I think the mozzarella sticks are expanding in my mouth. I keep swallowing and my mouth is still full!"
Gary: "That's how they keep you from winning!"

Meli & Jen on the passing of Dave Thomas, the founder of our favorite fast food chain:
Meli: *Jaw drops*
Meli: OMG
Jen: hm?
Meli: Top stories - ADVERTISEMENT - COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - Dave Thomas, the portly pitchman whose homespun ads built Wendy's Old-Fashioned Hamburgers into one of the world's most successful fast-food franchises, has died. He was 69.
Jen: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Jen: NO!!
Jen: NO!!!!!!
Meli: I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT
Jen: NO!!!
Jen: WTF
Jen: thank you god
Jen: couldnt you make ronald mcdonald die instead?
Jen: motherfucker I cant believe that
Meli: OMG
Jen: and before I got him to build a wendy's in my town, too
Meli: it seems he was undergoing dialysis for quite some time
Meli: triple bypass surgery some years ago
Meli: Damn
Meli: poor thing!
Jen: LOL...
Meli: huh?
Jen: we sound like we're mourning the death of our close family member
Meli: How horrible!
Jen: wow.... I never realized how much i love wendys til i didnt have it
Jen: poor dave
Meli: REally
Meli: Well I gotta go relax I feel like shit
Meli: Gonna watch cheers
Jen: heh ok
Meli: I CAN'T BELIEVE DAVE IS DEAD
Jen: neither can i
Meli: I also can't believe I'm now in the mood for a Jr. Bacon CHeeseburger!!!!!
Jen: LOL you know? I want some chili
Meli: ME TOO
Jen: but I aint driving 20 miles for it
Meli: mmmmmmmmmmm fries with cheesesauce
Meli: nuggets with bbq sauce!!!! GAWD!
Jen: grilled chicken salad
Jen: oh how I miss thee
Meli: GOOD BYE!! LoL **Flutters away**
Meli: MMMMMMMMMMMM BREADSTICK
Jen: goodnite
Meli: OMG CHEDDAR BBQ WiTH ONIONS
Meli: HOLY FUCK
Meli: BYE!!!!!!!!!
Jen: LOL bye
Meli: **ZOOMS AWAY**

Dear anyone who has wandered over to RWS from my site, Nevermore:

Hi. I apologize for my lack of updates. This is not because I have nothing to write; no, unfortunately my account with stupid fucking ghetto ass motherfucking Brinkster is mysteriously unavailable and I haven't been able to log into my file manager to update. I apologize again.... go write some nasty e-mails to Brinkster and tell them you want your Nevermore!

Slowly getting ready to send a horse's head covered in a mysterious white powder to Brinkster,
Jen

Vic: oh! did i tell you the pastry story? it's more like a comment then a story.
Gary: LOL...I just felt a pang of grief at the idea of my day's highlights including such fantastic events as the pastry story...

"Norton's idea of a Polar Bear Club is throwing old people into ice cold water and harpooning them." --O&A

Gary: ok..I've been home for a good half hour now...and I turned the heat on when I came home...and it's still 68...
Vic: burn a christian to warm up the house... faster and more efficient
Gary: the smell is rather unpleasant though :P
Vic: true, true... though i find keeping citrus fruit around tends to clear that up rather well

And Jen reveals her masochistic streak.

"I would love to have my ribs crushed by those arms." -Jen

ow, my head hurts.