I hate you, Blogger.

::morphs into Pharmacy Technician Jen::
I probably told you this already, Vic, but if the Z-pak is upsetting your stomach, just take it with food & milk. If that doesn't work.... SNAW! Oh yeah, I don't know if anyone mentioned this to you, but even though you only take 5 days' worth of doses, the medication will be circulating in your body for 10 days. Antibiotics will interfere with birth control pills, so remember to-- er, never mind.
::morphs into her third Pokemon form, Veterinary Technician Jen::
I think feline chlamydia is specific to cats. I know FIV (feline immunodeficiency virus) is specific to cats... it's exactly like HIV in humans.... yet not transmissible between the two species... but both have the same symptoms and do the same things to the body... and FIV is transmitted among cats the same way HIV is among humans.... that's right, Gary, kitten sex. And drug use. It's 8pm. Do you know if your cat is on the streetcorner shooting up?

Thought 1: You'd think with the education blitz and free kitty condoms at veterinary clinics around the country, feline chlamydia would be all but eradicated. But no.
Thought 2: I wonder if feline chlamydia and human chlamydia are the same chlamydia. I hope not because then it begs the question how exactly it leaps from cat to human and back.

Oh, look. Apparently, the antibiotic I'm taking is also an effective treatment for feline chlamydia.

The Antibiotic Fun Pack (It's "Fun" because it has more packaging than it has medication) I got from the doctor is starting to kick in. Because I'm starting to feel better? No... Because of the gastro-intestinal distress. ::claps hand over mouth and starts groaning::

Where is Victor, where is Victor?

12 days til Vic-Gary-Jen Day!! yay!

In case you were unaware, March 10th is International Vic-Gary-Jen Day. This is a day where people all across the world join in and sing the praises of that powerhouse of Weird-- the Vic-Gary-Jen team. Please light some candles and say the alphabet backwards while balancing an egg on your forehead in celebration of this great day.

Yaknow what's great about working in a pharmacy? I had biology homework... actually it was more biochem... well, I just asked the pharmacist about the questions I had to answer, and she gave me answers.... and BAM! Bio homework done over lunch break.

"It's just an inch or two... The snow is no big deal!" Riiiiight. I just like looking at snow so much that I decided to slow down and let the hour drive back and forth to school turn into four. And all the skidding toward other cars? What a rush! It was sooooo worth hurting my car and almost dying. Whee.

I am SO going to Hell....

"And the hamburger said unto Jesus, 'Eat me, and thou shall be saved...' "

Jen: you're coming to my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, right?
Gary: yah, course
Gary: There's nothin quite like pizza being served to you by giant bipedal rodents.

Yes. It would be awful.
Duh.

"Nearly a million products were recalled Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because they could be dangerous to your children. About 70,000 pairs of Barbie's Floating Glitter Sunglasses are on the list, because if the frames break, a chemical inside can leak out and burn the skin. "

Wouldn't that be awful? Just minding your own business, wearing your Barbie sunglasses.... all of a sudden they start to leak and acid is burning your eyes out?

The Boy Who Loved Cucumbers A Little Too Much, Part 5!

Unfortunately, the kitty litter was already starting to clump. Worse still, it wasn't really kitty litter, but rather, Kitty Litter brand quick-dry cement mix. Within a matter of minutes, Cucumber Jones was long and stiff, but not in a good way. One of his customers found him and placed him in the local park so pigeons could stoop on him. But fortunately, he was eventually saved...

And Jen wins 100 VicPoints for her correct answer of "fingers." He was missing four of them from an accident with a firecracker as a child. Never play with explosives, boys and girls!

The author of "The Joy of Sex" was Alex Comfort..... and I'm pretty sure he was missing fingers... but that's all I know...

For 100 VicPoints, what part of his body was the author of "The Joy of Sex" missing? ("was" because he died about a year ago)

Vic's guide to Fraiser:
Plot 1. Frasier wants Random Female X. Through everyone's ineptitude, he doesn't get her. Or if he somehow does, she's totally wrong for him and he spends the rest of the episode trying to get rid of her.
Plot 2. Someone says something to someone else. A third person overhears and misunderstands. Hilarity ensues.

::pretends to be a poor British street urchin at Christmas time:: "I'd decapitate a whore... for yoooooooooou. I'd stick a peach pit up my bum... for yoooooooooouu."

Oh! Is this like a Trival Pursuit question? I guess 50!

Can anyone guess how many brain cells are left in my head?

"Crack! Now with prizes in every package!"

[PICTURE REMOVED FOR FASTER LOADING]
'Nuff said.

In celebration of post 100, Japanese Engrish!

The Boy Who Loved Cucumbers a Little Too Much, Part 3

But Cucumber Jones soon spent so much time as a hustler, that he forgot all about his cucumber dreams. Instead, he went on to star in many pornos, the most famous of which was "Peter Piper's Peck of Pickles". But then one powerful and momentous event occurred that reminded him of his life's true calling. He was in the shower when a bright flash suddenly blinded him and a deep James Earl Jones-like voice said something to him...

Alcohol
my permanent accessory
Alcohol
a party-time necessity
Alcohol
alternative to feeling like yourself
O Alcohol
I still drink to your health

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Forget the caffe latte
screw the raspberry iced tea
A Malibu and Coke for you
a G&T for me
Alcohol
Your songs resolve like my life never will
When someone else is picking up the bill

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

O Alcohol
Would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else

I thought that Alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse

I
love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Would you please ignore
that you found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O Alcohol
would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else
Would you please forgive me
Would you please forgive me

credit here to the band Barenaked Ladies

Wow... anyone see X-Files tonight? Wow.... I wonder... well wow.... just wow....

::morphs into Pharmacy Jen:: Actually... you can just take 21-day-cycle birth control pills straight through (or skip the last week of placebos --in the 28-day-cycle pill packs-- that normally trigger menstruation) and never even deal with any sort of syndrome or anything at all.... ::morphs back into Regular Jen::

Vic: ::watches drug ads on tv:: if the makers of drugs are to be believed, it must be a nightmare to be a woman... there's post-menstrual syndrome, pre-menstrual syndrome, menstruation itself... only one week a month left that they're safe. And I'm sure that soon enough Pfizer will invent anti-menstrual syndrome and complete the cycle. And let's not even start on menopause... :P
Gary: I think menopause would be fun. You get to be huskier and more burly, and there's the ability to be powered by hot flashes, letting you run to the curb to put out the garbage with no clothes on in the middle of winter.

The Boy who Loved Cucumbers a Little Too Much
Once upon a time there was a boy who looooooved cucumbers. He loved them sooooo much, he decided he was going to start his own cucumber confectionary company or CCC. There was just one problem. He didn't have enough money to start his CCC. But he was smart and soon came up with an idea for making the money he needed. I'm sure that Gary or Jen can tell you all about that...

Some people have questioned my sanity... Liking The Mole and all, instead of, say, Buffy. For the record, I don't HATE Buffy, but nor to I have any sense of allegiance to the show. Ours is an open relationship.

I wonder what it would be like to have wings instead of arms? It might be fun to fly, but finding clothes that fit or eating dinner must be a nightmare.

Rainbows of Love and Happiness! (only for those of questionable sanity)

Jim is SO the mole! I've known this from week one! It's so obvious! I don't get how the other three people in America actually watching the show haven't figured this out yet...

I thought it seemed odd that I got a phone from a little girl with a robotic voice threatening to break my kneecaps last night. Now I know why.

"In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings,
A land in turmoil cried out for a hero.....
She was Xena, a mighty Princess, forged in the heat of battle.....
The power, The passion, The danger....
Her courage will change the world...."

"She's a small wonder, pretty and bright with soft curls
She's a small wonder. a girl unlike other girls.
She's a miracle, and I grant you
She'll enchant you with her sight
She's a small wonder, and she'll make your heart beat twice.
She's fantastic, made of plastic,
Microchips here and there.
She's a small wonder, brings love and laughter everywhere. "

John: "OW! My face!"
Ted: "Ew! Get him off me! He smells!"

Remember, boys and girls that "penis" is not a four-letter word.

Lose weight, tastes great: one squirt for breakfast, one for lunch, and then a sensible dinner!

Looks like someone's been drinking the blood of an undead Barney...

There's Some Ho's In Dis House:
A place to discuss ho's, bitches, and your mom. Anybody want a peanut?

Do-do-do-do-do-do.....LOG rolls downstairs, rolls over in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog/ It's great for a snack, it fits on your back, it's log, log, log! It's lo-og, lo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood/ It's lo-og, lo-og, it's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log! Everyone needs a log! Come on and get your log! It's log, LOG, log, LOG , LOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGG!!!

I wonder how many people are getting laid right now.... I can safely say I'm not one of them....

There's something horribly wrong with this world

Pooky, a story based on a conversation between Vic and Jen:

Once upon a time there was a man named Fred Flinstone. Not "Flintstone." That Fred liked to bowl and our Fred didn't. Ours preferred to play croquet. In fact, he liked it so much he even had a name for his very favorite mallet: Pooky. This embarrassed his family so much that his father, Fred Energizer, Sr.-- heir to the Energizer battery fortune-- made his son change his last name and left all his money to that stupid pink bunny upon his death, which is the real reason it keeps going and going, but we're not here to slander the bunny. Back to Fred and Pooky....

So, one day Fred was walking down the street with Pooky when he (that would be Pooky) saw a French hair salon. Well, Pooky didn't realize he didn't have any hair, and naive as he was, he wanted to go to the salon. Fred warned Pooky that going into the salon was probably a bad idea, but Pooky didn't want to listen, so they walked over. Now, the owner of the salon was a big French bigot, the ABSOLUTE WORST kind. It didn't particularly help that someone had stolen the French fry he kept up his ass. When he saw Fred and Pooky approaching the door, he stopped them and yelled in a French accent that I'm too lazy to try to describe, "Go away! We are not a unisex salon and we don't take YOUR KIND here. Go away bald, genderless mallet and friend!" Then he adjusted his beret and tromped back inside.

At this point, Pooky wanted to do what comes naturally to an angry croquet mallet and eat the owner of the salon, but Fred was perceptive enough to realize that THAT particular Frenchman was missing his French fry and so it wasn't worth the trouble. Instead, they went to a hardware store where they went shopping for a chainsaw. Pooky suggested the electric model, but they couldn't afford to buy the extension cords they'd need to span the distance between their apartment and the salon, and Fred REFUSED to use batteries on moral grounds. A few minutes of heated debate later, Pooky gave in and they walked out of the store with the slightly less environmentally-friendly gas powered model.

After a quick trip to the Shell station, Fred and Pooky returned to the bigoted Frenchman's non-unisex salon. There, they started to chase after him, but he proved to be faster than they had expected. In their blind rage, Fred and Pooky had forgotten that the Frenchman did not have a French fry up his ass and so that totally messed up their equations. Instead of killing him, they were only able to corner him into (what else?) a corner. Fred lunged at the Frenchman, and that was when the tragedy befell them. When Fred swung at the bigot, he ducked and the chainsaw's blade hit the wall. Fred lost control and, no really knows how or why, but Pooky was cut in half. Fred called 911 right away, but it was too late. By the time the paramedics arrived, Pooky was dead.

THE END

Moral of the story? Hate kills.

Jen: there's a haircolor called "Raven Sunset"... I must have it... it's burgundy-black and it's RAVEN!!
Jen: ::is searching eckerd.com for it::
Jen: wow... eckerd online sucks ass
Vic: "BEEP. You have 40 dyings left until baldness. BEEP."
Vic: "This has been a test of the Emergency Follicle Alert System"
Jen: I've only used the natural stuff... chemical exposure has been kept to a minimum... besides... my hair is so thick half of it could fall out and I wouldnt notice
Jen: WTF!?!?! Why does haircolor have spermicide in it!?!?
Vic: ROTFL!!!!! WHAT!!!!!
Vic: ::and the entire lab stares at vic::
Jen: "Ingredients, Developer: Water, Nonoxynol-9, Nonoxynol-4, Hydrogen Peroxide, Edta, Phosphoric Acid."
Vic: "The only hair color with real spermicide!"
Vic: AHHHH!!! LOL!!
Vic: imagine a TV ad for it! Or...
Vic: "Mr. Williams.... why are you dying my hair?" ..... "Shut up, Francine."

I love NPR. Just this weekend, I learned all about a study on what foods triggered arousal in men and women (I'm not making these up):

Men: Almost anything.
Women: Cucumbers and "Good and Plenty"

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! While most of the world is out spending innumerable amounts of money professing their love for one another (which if you really loved someone, you wouldn't wait around for one ridiculous holiday to say it but I digress), I find myself alone, at school, on a miserable, rainy Wednesday with a paper to write on therapeutic jurisprudence. Anyone up for a killing spree? My neighbor's dog (which has recently been possessed by a 3000-year-old demon) has been chatting with me lately about the positive sides of murder....

I hate you, blogger.

::stands in the middle of an empty city::
WHERE IS EVERYBODY!?!?
::funky Spanish music ensues::

Gary's Synopsis to the WB's Charmed:

Pru: I love you, my boyfriend.
Pru's Boyfriend: I love you too, Pru.
Demon arrives and causes general low level havoc like making husbands and wives not like each other.
Pru: Oh no! I have to go! Sorry about dinner!
Pru's Boyfriend: (to self) Gee, something just ain't right with that girl. Maybe she's a demon killing witch fighting for truth, love, and justice: The all around American Way. Nah...
Pru disappears, kills demon, and reappears to boyfriend.
Pru: I'm baaaack.
Pru's Boyfriend: You always leave when I'm about to screw you!
Pru: Ok, maybe next time!
Pru's Boyfriend: (frustrated) Whaaaaa!
THE END

"It looks so natural... No one can tell... JUST FOR MEN... gel!"

Jen, you realize that we've both bought a one way ticket to Hell by mocking something connected to Mr. Rogers, don't you?

"But Mr. Kim! It's so big! Won't I choke?"
"Don't be silly, Arthur! If Francine can do it, so can you! DO IT!"

"But... but Mr. Williams! I've never done that before! Isn't that a bad touch?"
"Well, it's not a bad touch if it feels oh-so-good, Francine."

okay... a type of metal... bronze? (ouch....) ::shrugs::

Was it metal? Metal catheters that is.....

chmod o-rx jensbrain.
There you go.

I apologize for the last post. UNIX is controlling my brain now... oh, what to do when an archaic operating system has brainwashed you... whatever shall I do!?!?!?

Maybe I will kill my shit-eared dog first.

You don't get a black cape and fangs, but you do get an uncanny urge to drink grape juice 18 hours a day-- an urge so strong that if you don't give in and have some, you go into a blind murderous rage and kill the first small, furry animal you see.

Well, if I kill the grape girl and eat her, will I become a vampiress too? Because I want to have fangs and prance around in black all day!!!

Have you ever noticed that the little girl in the Welches' grape juice commercials never changes? There's a new ad every six months or so, but it's ALWAYS the same little girl. And she never ages! You know what else never ages? Vampires. She's a vampire grape girl.

Glass for the bad Romans. Hollowed-out tapeworms for the good ones.

I've been told that if you lock a child in a closet, they taste like veal. Assuming this is true, Gary, is this because hormones released during hibernation have a veal-like flavor to them? Or does veal hibernate, unbeknownst to us?

What's the point to Millionaire: Rock Star Edition? Do I really need ABC to prove to me that these people are idiots?

The Cheap and Evil Girl -- Bree Sharp

A cheap and evil girl sets out on the city
She's moistened every curl, she's poisonously pretty
And the unsuspecting fool falls prey
As the dim detective's lead astray
And the genuflecting boys all say
The cheap and evil girl will get her way

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

The cheap and evil girl dances if you're worthy
She teases every twirl, she's deviously dirty
And you fantasize about the ample
Milky thighs you'd like to sample
Vocalize to her example -
Deep, illegal sighs - Oh! - it's a scandal

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

Into the club for a rub in the sauna
Strain through the steam, there's a shot, you're a goner
Cry as you die cause you know you still want her
She can hypnotize with her evil eyes

The cheap and evil girl wears you like a locket
She's polished every pearl then she put you in her pocket
And the undertaker hears the sounds
Of the dumb gumshoe making his rounds
Shaking all the wrong one's down
Cause the cheap and evil girl will not be found

The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl
The cheap and evil girl

yes, because I'm the undead.

I want mushrooms! I LOVE ME SOME SHROOMS!!!!!!!!

iMesh: Think Napster, but not restricted to just mp3s. Somewhat buggy when I tried it, but promising.

Why is there nothing on TV?!? Let's see... There's static, Meet the Press talking to basketball players, an infomercial for COPA, some money show, Moesha, Mary Poppins, a special on teenage spending habits with Doug E. Doug, static, soccer in Italian, static, computer ads, baseball in Spanish, something about the Dominican Republic (also in Spanish), Reporter's Roundtable, Reporter's Roundtable, Reporter's Roundtable, more Italian soccer, Treadmills from the Home Shopping Network, aw.. that's it.

LOL.... Vic.... work your HTML magic and get this image onto the sidebar.... I tried but blogger wouldn't obey me.

Oh, sure... I go work 22 hours in two days, stay away from my computer the whole time, and I come back to THIS. Sure, have all the fun without me. I see how it is. And by the way, do you know what today is? It's National Mountaintop Fetus Day. That's right! Big-ass orgy/ alcohol fest up in the mountains, followed by a good ol' deer slaughter! (Good god, that was terribly unfunny.)

You're not fooling anyone. Six months, my ass. I know all about the copy of "The Joy of Syrup" you keep underneath your bed and that pancake you keep in your wallet "just in case."

Once upon a time, there was a young cranberry named Steve. Steve loved to play in the sun all day. It didn't hurt that Steve got a sexy tan that attracted all the girl cranberries. But unfortunately, Steve got skin cancer, shriveled up, and turned into a craisin.
The moral of the story: Always use suncreen or you might end up on a supermarket shelf in a box labeled "Ocean Spray."

Well, Gary, is there any way to summon the Maytag repairman without having to die? Or better yet, can I harness his power of murder to use against others?

Nope. No radioactive enema grape jelly. A&P was all out.

Fine. I'll tell you.
Two words: Grape Jelly.

Well, OF COURSE the heart attack pills don't work, silly. I replaced them with birth control pills when you weren't looking. And trust me... You don't WANT to know what the "barium enema" is really filled with.

I hereby declare today Francine "the ugly green crack-addicted non-american duck puppet who gets molested up the ass by her art teacher whenever a hate crime gets committed against her" Day. Listen to what famous celebrities have to say about this important day:

"Doesnt that woman feel the least bit strange? She's in a room full of puppets on crack!!!" -Jen
"Weren't these people afraid to talk to the ugly drug addicted puppet kids?" -Vic
"NO, Francine! Don't stay! The art teacher will just molest you! -Vic
"It looked like the panda was sniffing paint remover!" - Jen
"Wow." -Gary

Francine "blah blah" Day. Join in the fun today! (Because tomorrow will be too late.)

JEN: me no likey the spiders
GARY: but they LOOOOOVVVEEEEE you...
JEN: nooooo they don't
JEN: I killed their mothers
GARY: Sure they do.
GARY: Why else do you think they crawl into your mouth while you sleep?
JEN: to clean my teeth
GARY: ::grins:: With teeny toothbrushes, no less...

"There should be a musical about your pants. They had 'Man of La Mancha', why not 'Woman of Flowery Asscheeks' ?" --VIC

JEN: YOU.... you just made me cry!
VIC: yay! i'm only a step or two away from making you lose all bodily functions! whoo!
JEN: if I pee in my pants, YOU get to change my diaper!

"Poor Francine... You just KNOW the art teacher's hand is up her ass right now. He was all like 'Woo! I'm getting me some puppet ass!' "

"I bet she was a stripper once... the crack kingpin rescued her from the streets and made her a teacher for his crack fiend duck daughter and her deformed friends..."

The Eighth Inappropriate Use of Toilet Paper:
8. Your fake girlfriend (or boyfriend, favorite animal, etc.... use your dirty imagination.)

Seven Inappropriate Uses of Toilet Paper:
1. Making paper airplanes
2. Cheap notepad
3. Boiled in place of real lasanga
4. Semaphores
5. Clothes
6. Musical instruments
7. Playing cards

Hey everyone, just a friendly reminder that February is Black History Month. That's right, after dragging African Americans away from their homes and enslaving them for hundreds of years, The Man has given them the shortest month of the year to celebrate their rich history. Rejoice!

(sarcasm alert... no offense meant to anyone except fat, balding, middle-aged, white, conservative men)

You realize, of course, that no one can possibly top that without going on a quest for that most unvaluable of super hero skills: Humor. Damn you! I'll make you pee yet, Superman! Wait... Er...

WEIRDO!!!! ::points at Gary:: I don't know you. ::runs and hides::

::in her best Meredith Viera voice:: I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!!!

Dear blogger.com,
You get +10 points for a great idea, but -5 points for a horrible, horrible interface! Shame on you! What do you have to say for yourself? ::threatens you with a single rolled up page of newsprint::

Sincerely yours,
Victor Martins

::in his best Barbara Walters voice:: I had this idea for a blog. Different people from different points of view. Maybe a little too different.... I call it "Running with Scissors". ::hums theme song::