And now for the one day all year that this is actually appropriate....

::sings:: FIIIIIIVE GOOOOOOOL-DEN RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

Dude.... do you know what they air on local TV stations on Christmas around here?? A burning log. Yes, a fucking burning log which occasionally changes shapes and burns to the tune of old Christmas songs.... God, what classic Americana.... and how typical of American culture.... Gather up the family! Time to watch a log burn on the TV! Perhaps if you get real close to your TV set and rub your hands together, you might just feel the warmth....

Okay, so maybe this is only funny to me because I am a HUGE X-Files fan with a sad, sad, SAD addiction to Passions, but this was spotted in an XF Recap poll at Mighty Big TV:
Best idea for an X-Files spin-off?
A Passions- inspired soap opera, in which Mulder gets a living doll sidekick, Scully accidentally marries CSM, Skinner and Doggett relive their past-life romances (including a stint on the Titanic every week, and Moronica talks to trees.

"It's not rape if they blink twice for yes." --Jim Norton of O&A fame

"I hope he gets run over by a one horse open sleigh with razor blade attachments."

GOD HELP THE WORLD

Gary: oh, btw, (other than a car) like, what do ya want for xmas?
Jen: LOL... dont laugh...
Jen: a GI Joe doll
Jen: seriously
Gary: LOL
Gary: great...you're gonna make me go to toys r us...and buy a gi joe doll :P
Gary: heh..alright...if ya don't change your mind, then you're gonna get a GI Joe doll
Jen: LOL awesome
Jen: I've wanted one for so long... it's like a repressed childhood desire or something
Jen: no one ever got me one because little girls werent supposed to have GI Joe dolls.... yet my parents let me have Ghostbusters action figures
Gary: LOL... You want like.... a Jen doll or somethin to act out fantasies with or anything? :P
Jen: LOL!!!

Vic: er... jen
Vic: ...
Jen: hm?
Vic: the survey you sent two weeks ago?
Jen: yah?
Vic: there's no number 13
Jen: LOL. there's always a number missing on those things
Jen: or maybe Stan's just saying hi.
Vic: LOL
Vic: but he's YOUR fuck buddy
Jen: ROTFL!!
Jen: fuck buddy?
Jen: oh, good. I'm fucking the Prince of Darkness and no one bothered to tell me.
Vic: LOL

Why is Wil Wheaton so cute? sigh.

From December 7th, 2000
Vic: once upon a time there was a cow named betsy... tag you're it
Jen: but she was red
Vic: so red that she would even glow.
Jen: LOL. farmer boob put her on his lawn as a christmas decoration
Jen: BOB
Jen: LMAO
Vic: betsy was so very sad, being subjugated, and my a guy named boob, no less. but fortunately, just the salvation came...
Vic: then, rather :P
Jen: that sentence is missing several words, isnt it
Vic: lol... let's try again...
Vic: betsy was so very sad, being subjugated, and by a guy named boob, no less. but fortunately, just then salvation came... (better?)
Jen: (yes) just then, Jesus Christ arrived, and sang betsy a show tune.
Vic: (ROTFLMFAO!!!) he sang a song from jesus christ superstar, being a big egomanic and all. anyway, he led betsy off farmer boob's farm...
Jen: and they went to the local tavern. but the town butcher was there...
Vic: fortunately, betsy had the strength of ten men and one hoof up the ass sent the butcher on his way. the bright red cow and her messianic buddy then decided to take a trip to cancun where they found...
Jen: jen's friends getting drunk and doing table dances.
Vic: at least that's what jen and her friends thought. betsy and jesus realized that what was really happening was that an evil sock named thor had tricked everyone into doing....
Jen: the macarena. but just then, everyone realized they had drank the water and suddenly had to go to the bathroom
Vic: when everyone flushed the toilet at the same time, a gigantic imbalance occurred
Jen: and the world exploded.
Vic: THE END

Granted, I'm only halfway through the episode, but WHY is X-Files so blatantly ripping off Silence of the Lambs??? Gee, a doctor in a cell helping an FBI agent solve ritualistic serial murders.... WHERE have I seen this before? hmmm :P