Rob: Mercifully, she removed the cackle from her opening credits
Rob: (Rachael Ray)
Rob: "I wanted to start with a ladies issue."
Vic: lol
Rob: "I queefed last night while my husband was fucking me."
Rob: ROTFL!!!!
Vic: *dies*
Rob: "Ooops, I can't say that on TV"

Vic: banquet sweet and sour chicken...
Vic: tasty, but it's basically rice, four chicken nuggets, and sweet and sour sauce.
Rob: Pretty much
Vic: No, I mean that literally.
Rob: I know
Rob: I used to eat them
Vic: It was the same shape as the chicken nuggets. lol
Rob: Once I got five chicken nuggets. That was a day for rejoicing, let me tell you!
Vic: ROTFL

On Michael Jackson:

Rob's friend Tamara: Is he dead dead, like for real real, not play play?
Rob: Like, Latoya Jackson is now the prettiest white girl at the dinner table, dead.

Jen, upon trying Wasa crispbread for the first time:

"AHHH! It tastes like Jesus!"

(I meant, obviously, the Communion wafer... which, I guess, according to Catholic belief, IS Jesus...)

For this to make any sense you may want to visit The Legend of Neil and watch an episode long enough to see the theme song...

Drew: I love the legend of Neil
Drew: Oh You bag of dicks!
Vic: LOL!
Vic: It seemed appropriate since you're playing a Zelda game.
Drew: yeah I might end up in the game myself LOL
Vic: Well, don't masturbate to the fairies, and you should be fine.
Drew: Can I masturbate to the gay looking character?
Vic: It's a Nintendo game. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Drew: lol
Drew: the main character
Vic: Yeah, go right ahead... Not sure who else wants to masturbate to Link, but different strokes for different folks. LOL.

Jen: (reminiscing about the old days) I want to go back to 1998!
Mike: Well, I'm afraid you can't.
Jen: Fuck you! You don't know about my Time Machine!
Mike: You mean the toaster?
Jen: ...yeah.

Jen: (not feeling well) Fucking Jesus
Mike: That's gonna be the name of my new ska band
Jen: Mine is going to be 'Jesus, Joseph and doggystyle Mary'
Mike: Wait...is that metal or ska?
Jen: I don't give a fluck..fuck.

*pause*
*laughter*

Jen: Don't make me laugh; I'm gonna puke!!!

In the middle of a conversation about Europe, Jen forgets what the residents of the Netherlands are called (that would be Dutch).

Jen: .... fucking wooden-shoe-wearing motherfuckers!
Mike: Those shoes are called sabots.
Jen: What?
Mike: Sabots.... don't you know where the word "sabotage" came from?
Jen: ... the Beastie Boys?

Jennifer: ah ok i thought we were still talking about the butterball faerie
Melissa: LOL
THEE butterball fairy
Jennifer: LOL
Melissa: b/c she exists
like santa
only she comes out at greasy redneck parties to deliver roasted chicken

During a conversation about Jen's adventures at Fleet Week NYC:

Melissa: but now tell me the truth
Melissa: how many marines did you kidnap that day and now have tied in your basement
Jennifer: LOL
Jennifer: as many that fit in my rental kidnapper van

Rob: Wow, I totally didn't know that Sue Simmons dropped the F-bomb on TV
Vic: LOL... why?
Rob: it was a mistake
Vic: well, duh
Vic: oh...
Vic: she was trying to say something similar... gotcha
Rob: I grew up on Sue Simmons
Rob: It is wrong!
Rob: It feels wrong anyway LOL
Rob: That ranks up there with Miss Molly screaming "lick my twat!"
Rob: of things I never thought I would hear
Vic: ROTFL
Vic: I snorted.
Vic: Thanks, honey.

Rob: Yes, this is why I need nap time

Rob: Bob Ross and his happy little trees, and nap time

Rob: ~sighs~ it is about half as good as naptime with Vic :-*

Vic: :-)

Rob: Bob Ross doesn't spoon as well though

Vic: I can't wait to nap with you this weekend.

Rob: meeee tooo

Rob: :-D

Vic: Bob Ross spooning is a scary image.

Rob: Um yes

Rob: "Oh, that's just my happy little cock. It's just there, in its own little world."

Vic: ROTFL!

Rob: Yeah, ew, I even grossed myself out with that all time low

Vic: ROTFL.

Rob: He could read me a bedtime story if he wants, from like, the other side of the room

Paul: Also, I love Gordon Ramsay

Vic: Why?

Vic: What's he doing now!??

Paul: being awesome?

Vic: so the usual

Paul: haha yeah

Paul: He's kinda sexy. Kinda.

Vic: I like the hair

Paul: Bet he'd be a big queeny bottom in bed though XD

Vic: ROTFL! *imagines him talking during sex*

Paul: IN THE BIN

Paul: IN THE BIN

Paul: ITS CRAP

Vic: ROTFL!!!

Paul: *cackles*

Mike: Would you please stop talking? I need to get some sleep. It's already midnight.
Jen: No, it's not.
*looks at clock, which is displaying 12:00*
Jen: ...fucking clock, spreading lies.

Rob, mocking Sandra Lee's cooking skills:

Vic: Well, it's boiling water and coffee... If you can manage Chicken Piccata and Pasta Fagioli, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to do coffee. Even Sandra Lee can do coffee.

Rob: "I am going to show you how to make Semi-Homemade Coffee, let's get our keys"

Rob: "Get into your car, put the keys in the ignition, and drive approximately 2 miles to Dunkin Donuts"

Rob: "First I will show you how to make a coffee with cream and sugar"

Rob: "Hello can I help you?"

Vic: ROTFL!!!

Rob: "Yes, I would like a large coffee with cream and sugar."

Rob: "Any donuts with that?"

Ron: "No, we are not making donuts in this episode"

Scary visual places.

Rob: Unrelated note: Idina Menzel has an album!?

Vic: Yes.

Rob: And ok, I could probably listen to her sing, "I took a crap on my husband Taye Diggs chest," but, the lyrics on this album, not so good

Vic: *laughcoughlaugh*

Vic: Thank you so much for that image

It's chocolaty hazelnut spread... How can I resist?

Rob: You and that damn Nutella

Rob: "Where is Vic?"

Rob: "Rehab."

Rob: "Drugs?"

Rob: "Lord, no!"

Rob: "Alcohol?"

Rob: "Of course not!"

Rob: "Broken leg?"

Rob: "Nutella"

Rob: "Beg pardon?"

Rob: "He was on the kitchen floor last night, eating it with his hands. He broke down weeping"

Rob: "I had to do something with him, he was crying out for help"

Rob: "Help in what?"

Rob: "The jar ran out and the stores were closed."

My friend Rob upon making some bread in his newly acquired breadmaker:

Rob: it is not as sweet as I was expecting

Rob: but good

Rob: And BIG

Rob: sounds like my first blowjob

Vic: A Roman Catholic priest who used 1,000 helium balloons to try to break a flying record has gone missing off the southern coast of Brazil.

Vic: we're sending up priests in balloons now?

Gary: can you think of a better way to reach up to god?

Gary: prayer is a waste of time, BALLOONS are the answer

After watching Fiddler on the Roof on TV:

Gary: also, goddamit, tradition is in my head on a permanent loop

Vic: thanks. and now i've got it back in my head.

Vic: though, i can fix your problem... in 3..2..1...

Vic: ohhhhh, come on eileen...

Gary: LOL

Gary: Thank god for Eileen.

Vic: hehe

Gary: You know that head-on product, with the really annoying repeating commercials. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. That product is made 99.95% from Eileen.